Mark’s Secrets of Adulthood

This one is for the children, in particular teenagers. As an old fogey, I have experienced a lot of things in my life. These experiences have changed me, either for better, or for worse.

So I feel it is the duty of all adults everywhere to tell the teens what they can look forward to/look out for, when they get to adulthood.

Here’s what I would tell them.

– If you start a sentence with “no offence but…” then you’re going to offend.
– When your hair starts falling out, for the love of God, don’t attempt a comb-over.
– When you see your first grey hair, it’s not the end of the world.
– It’s a jungle out there. Watch out for all the scorpions.
– Using “etc” at the end of a sentence means you are just too lazy to think of anything else.
– When the wife opens her mouth, don’t say anything. Speaking only makes it worse.
– Bring a jumper. It’s chilly out there.
– Bring an umbrella. Dark clouds means rain.
– There’s nothing more satisfying than getting a hug from a warm sleeping dog.
– There’s no need to iron your underwear.
– Jockeys are better than boxer shorts.
– When opening a woman’s bra, use two hands. Otherwise she will be collecting her pension by the time you get it off.
– When you’re 18, you need to progress from “mummy”, to “mum” or “mother”. Unless you’re Prince Charles.
– Cardigans and slippers are both comfy and warm.
– Falling in love is one of the greatest feelings ever.
– Getting kicked in the balls is one of the worst feelings ever.
– Your first time having sex is not as good as you think it will be. The second time is better.
– You’ll realize your parents knew what they were talking about after all.
– When calling in sick, the boss has heard them all. Make your excuse unique.
– Find a skill you’re good at and then see if there’s money in it. If so, make a business out of it.
– If you have morals and ethics, forget about being rich. Only those who have sold their grandmother have money.
– People will always act against their own best interests.
– If you have a headache, then it is just a headache. Not a brain tumour.
– If God exists, he has a really bad sense of humour. Or no humour. Like the Germans.
– Whatever ails you can easily be cured by an excellent over-the-counter pharmaceutical.
– Always keep them guessing how old you are. Play with kids and build lego sets.
– If you see a politician, don’t vote for them. It just encourages them.
– The old classics are always the best.

This post originally appeared on Wunderkammer