How did I know I was gay?

I think people just ‘know’ if they are honest with themselves.

I always knew there was something not quite ‘standard’ in my heart. I think you will always feel a bond or heartfelt connection to people of the same sex as yourself, way before puberty and the physicality of that takes hold.

This is not to say that what you are feeling is not ‘normal’.

It’s just left of center, but perfectly valid and entirely acceptable. The test, I think, is that if you have that type of heartfelt connection a number of times then there may well be a good chance that you are part of the LQBITQ community.

For me it was as early as 10 years old (probably even earlier!) when I displaced the affection that my father didn’t show to me on to a teacher, which was a pointless exercise. At around 13 I developed a crush on a classmate and friend named Barry and it was at that point that I admitted to myself that there was something out of the ordinary about my feelings. He did not feel the same way. I never told him that I wished he had. However, I suspect he ‘knew’ in some way. I never let myself go down that pathway again. Not until I was 20.

The thing was, that all this happened around 1968. At that time being gay was punished, and often violently. So, there really was no way that others weren’t going to tell me that in their eyes, I was ‘different’ and not wanted.

At that time around Oxford Street, it was dangerous to walk around. You never walked alone late at night.

In hindsight I should have learned self-defense much sooner. Once, I actually had a chunk of jack hammered concrete thrown at my face from a car and came close to losing the sight of my right eye.

It was also at these times that gay men were found at the bottom of cliff faces at known gay beats. The victims of fatal hate crimes. So, a number of people were making it their business to let gay people, men and women know that their behaviour and sexual preference was not welcome.

We have come a long way since then, but there is still a long way to go to achieve complete acceptance. In this day and age there is still resentment, anger, religious based hatred, and right-wing fanatical persons.

Know one thing though, you now have the law on your side, so don’t be shy about using it when you need to.

Stories from an Older Gay

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