How do you know who is gay and straight?

Men have come a long way since I was a boy.

Men in Australia now display affection towards one another far more openly than we ever used to. Yet, we still have alarming levels of domestic violence, particularly towards women and sometimes towards gay and transsexual partners. Men too often feel some compulsion to assert their power over those they perceive as being without power or capacity to retaliate. These men often lacked positive role models and proactive mentors as young boys and men.

Along these lines, these same men are afraid of being perceived as ‘gay’ themselves should they appear to others to be be less aggressively masculine.

I like the approach that the psychologist/writer Steve Biddulph takes. He asserts that all mammal species have homosexual beings among their populations and we almost move through a type of ‘phase’ of questioning one’s sexuality and identity before realising whether we are gay or not. Sadly, this identity seems to only come with some sense of maturity and confidence in oneself.

In the past, gay men were vilified and sometimes killed just for being gay.

Sadly, this period in history meant that expressing any softness or emotional openness was sometimes at your own peril. Your gay forefathers and lesbian ground breakers have indeed fought to overcome this situation that has benefited men and women, straight or gay, for the better enriching our understanding of sexuality broadly.

Specific to coming out, I think you develop an instinct for knowing but at times you may be wrong, OR the other person may not have reconciled the issue in their own heart. You cannot rush this on either party’s shifting position. It has to evolve and at times you may well guess incorrectly and may have to back pedal and think fast on your feet.

I have made the mistake of either guessing or opening up to someone you have feelings for, only to be rebutted. It definitely dents your ego, but you have to stick with it as it isn’t information that will stay quiet in your system. It has to be vented at some point. So aim for safety and trust, no matter what the discussion around gauging whether a person is gay or not. Go with your gut. It is never easy, I am not saying it will be, but it is something you cannot ignore and if you were to do so it will just keep resurfacing time and again.

Perhaps a safe entry to this scenario is to join a social group for LGBITQ to take away the anxiety of guess work. You might just meet you next great relationship this way. Bars are fine for meeting people, but I often find them loud. I would suggest that if you want to meet someone, to do so in places that provide a safe environment to do so.

Stories from an Older Gay

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What I Wish I Knew Then

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