Martha Screwit

I made Chicken Fajitas for my family for dinner. The Food Network asked that I now share my culinary prowess with the world and they are paying me by the word so buckle up because here is the unabridged (actually that’s a lie, I just learned what unabridged meant today and I felt like using it in a sentence) version (a word that every kid knows thanks to Pokémon)
1. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees, then hop in a time machine and go back to the time when you preheated the oven …and do away with Past You in whatever way you see fit so that the name “preheated” actually makes sense 
2. Place chicken strips in a greased pan, then while hands are still thoroughly coated in raw chicken juices, go high-five someone you don’t like
3. After rummaging through your unorganized spices cabinet for a solid 15 minutes looking to mix together salt, dried oregano and pepper, substitute those with 1 cubit of salt water taffy, half a meter of Oreos and one length of Dr. Pepper in a bowl
4. Pour the mixture onto the chicken and stir to coat for 2 minutes (or about the time it takes to sing the Hershey’s “Stir It” song 8 times)
5. Call Mark and ask him if he needs his dry cleaning picked up
6. Cut up 2 Peppers and 1 onion (while cutting the onion, use bucket to catch tears, as this will be used to moisten the chicken once cooked….actually, don’t do that that’s gross, I just said that cuz in the past week I’ve heard 2 people say they don’t like the word moist)
7. Once you’re done cutting up the peppers and onion, add those and some tomatoes check the bowl for any cut off fingers, if there are any, once the food is done cooking, send it to Wendy’s or Arby’s for distribution
8. Bake uncovered for 40–45 minutes. you may also choose to go into the city and find a homeless person by a trashcan fire and cook it there. If cooking at home, be sure to fill the time by doing lots of chores outside of the kitchen, preferably with loud music playing and a vacuum going so as not to be disturbed by the beeping of the oven
9. Now, the last step in cooking recipes always seems to say something like “serve and enjoy” but I want you to leave it there, just sitting in the oven for like 3 minutes, it’ll make you appreciate it that much more when you get to eat and. And this is your first time making these fajitas so there’s a strong possibility you won’t enjoy it. But ya know what? Just shut up and eat the food…..sorry

Stay tuned for next week when I explain how to make cereal in 9 very elongated and seemingly unnecessary steps