When Love is not Enough
In the past few weeks, I have taken a hiatus from writing for a number of reasons.
- School is starting back, which translates to unmitigated chaos at the Jacobs School.
- My (now ex) boyfriend came to visit, and we decided to end our relationship as it stood.
- I have been struggling to define what I want in life and how to balance that with what I call God’s calling.
Sadly, the second of these traumas was the most strange and difficult. Our decision to separate was mostly mutual, and resulted after an intense conversation over what we both wanted out of the relationship. We decided that we were on diverging paths at the moment, and that this long distance thing was not truly making me happy. On top of that, he has some big choices to make about his life and career that I thought my demands were impeding. We ended amiably and with love in our hearts.
I went through some shit this past week. I can best describe my feelings as bittersweet. A sense of freedom that I can now “see” someone (or multiple someones) as I choose. Relief that I could now let go of trying to control his behavior (a faulty assumption by nature). Sadness that the intimacy we shared could no longer be the same. Anger that God dealt us a crummy hand this time. Strangely enough, horny too. I still don’t get that one.
What’s the big life lesson in this TMI of the week?
I can’t really say, except that love is not always enough to make a relationship work. I had this fairy tale assumption that if I just loved him the right way or gave the right advice I could get him to make better decisions. I thought I could fix a person’s issues with my love and affection.
Newsflash: I am not God! We cannot change anyone. All we can do is find someone’s crazy that matches our crazy. I thought I could change the crazy, and that will get you in trouble.
Give yourself permission to let go of a relationship when the particular type of cray is not your cup of tea. Realize that you cannot change anything but your own need to be control. Keep loving, but do not expect an award for loving. Desire the very best for people, but know what’s best for you. I still love him, but I had to let him go.
In the words of my priest, “There is no “pure” mate!” Just someone who’s flaws suit you. Someone you can hold on to. Someone who can hold you. Someone with whom you feel most yourself. That, my friends, is the purest love we get from others in this realm. A love that helps each one to their best self.
Now, let’s find a new fucked up person!