My brutally honest online dating profile

I’m Italian but don’t call me macaroni

If you’ve been looking for an exotic entry to your ‘We dated for a while but then she went berserk over some leftover pizza I threw out’ List, this is your golden chance. Speaking of pizza: I am Italian. And I mean lasagna-for-breakfast, shouting-with-my-mum-on-the-phone Italian. But don’t call me ‘macaroni’ or I’ll call up my Mafiosi side of the family. Just kidding! Or am I?

More on food: when I say I don’t mind where we are going for dinner, I am obviously lying. The truth is: I have no idea. When somebody asks me a specific question, like also “What kind of music do you like?”, my mind goes blank and all I can think of is ‘If you wanna be my lover’ by the Spice Girls. This is why I started to keep lists of places and songs I like. If I take you somewhere hip and young, it’s not because I am a cosmopolitan millennial: it’s because my short-term memory is pretty much non-existent. What was your name again?

Let’s talk serious stuff now. Game of Thrones: I’m into Ramsay Bolton, and I secretly am on this online dating platform in the hope the actor who plays him will find me and take me with him to Wales, where we will have countless Bolton babies. Speaking of babies: I have none. For now ;)

I’ve had boyfriends one after the other since I hit puberty, and now I am certainly over-indulging in my newly gained single-lady status. I love me some leftovers scraped from unwashed pots and pans all week, and my hot showers are overly long and accompanied by off-key Disney songs. Friday night easily means pizza and sweatpants, but it could also mean you carrying me home hammered on your shoulders while I blurt out I’m actually not that into you. The possibilities are endless.

Hit me up if you’re into emotionally unstable foreigners, having your socks stolen and being dumped for a British actor!