Life has no meaning, life is a meaning, or on decision to fight depression

Seems that only in light – or rather in darkness – of a death of a public person like Robin Williams, people start openly discussing depression as a real-life-problem, not abstract subject of researches in labs, where people wear white coats and serious expression on their faces. Depression is real. You can’t identify depression by visual symptoms, unlike when one has rhinitis. You can’t, unless you won’t take courage to look person in the eyes. It is banal, but true – eyes are a mirror of… a soul? Or whatever name you prefer. Eyes can only tell truth.

“Your eyes reflect nothing,” – the best friend of a time said me, lightening a cigarette. – “Because they have nothing to reflect”. Simple as that. Nothing to reflect, nothing to show, nothing to share, and no place to go. I have read plenty books on neuroscience, psychology, and etc, as well as multiple research results, that explain what depression is, give smart-ass advices how to fight it. One thing they are silent about is how to force yourself to start fighting. Self-help books, and a shrink says that life is beautiful and worth fighting for. However, from your perspective every step you make is a struggle, filled with pain and suffering. Better than ever I understood Danish philosopher’s Søren’s Kierkegaard’s idea of life towards death. Depression puts a dark veil on a vision of life – on everything around. Colors are fade, people seem fake – like machines, that radiate no warmth. That what depression is about, not about smart words printed in popular science magazine.

Unlike bad mood or PMS, depression lasts longer than few days or a week. It may last for months, for years, and it won’t disappear for good on one shiny morning. Countless hours with one-of-the-best-shrinks-in-the-city, or some other sort of therapy. Hundreds of euros spent on self-help-crap-of-books. Seeking for all kinds of escape, that only will lead back to where it begins. In my case it begun with a broken heart. Trivial reason, isn’t it? Sorry if it disappointed you, and you expected to hear something out-of-this world. No, my story is simple, and similar to many others. That what can make it closer to your maybe-also-once-broken heart. A child, denied by grandparents and dragged in a middle of family drama, mercilessly put under a fire of different battle-fronts, banished from “cool” parties, rejected by opposite sex (until some point, at least).

Adults, we rarely count with long-term effects of our actions, we do not take responsibility easily, even not for our own children. Come on, they are our children, almost a continuation of our own personality, so they should share whatever is important for us. Which seem true, but it isn’t. Child is an individual, a person who shouldn’t suffer in a war we fight. The life we life, with all battles and losses, happiness and love – it is a role model of life the child will know, and most likely follow. What I’ve learnt from my family, is that everybody lies, and everyone is an enemy. As well that love doesn’t count.

Each time you break an expensive vase and put it together, you miss small piece. Each time cracks are harder to hide, it’s gets more fragile, and tends to break of a slightest blow of air. With a heart, it is similar. Losses, break-ups, disappointments – it all makes heart more vulnerable. If you wish, it decreases immunity of a heart towards emotional bacteria, and ruins its opportunity to distinguish genuine feelings from fake.

Make mistakes one after another, and pain of disappointment becomes permanent. It takes away hope, joy, lust for life. It makes sure you won’t have any desire to wake up in a morning, neither to go sleep in the evening. Frustration and disorientation become leaders in life. However, if one is strong enough – or reckless, – s/he should make decision and be devoted to it. Decision to live. Not pills, not long talks with friends, therapist or guru, but the decision is the only way out. It takes time and effort, it is not neither easy, nor quickly, and no 100% guarantee that one would be able to get to a place in their mind, where they will find long-lost peace, or re-gain ability to enjoy life as fully as b.d. – before depression.

See, the thing is, it will leave its marks. Dark moments, difficulty to trust and intimacy issues. Lost of joy, apathy, haunted memories – they still will remind of themselves from time to time. Even scary thoughts of suicide – let them in your mind, acknowledge them, and let go. Mind is more complicated that computer’s hard disc, and there is no option of formatting it. Everything is present, and will be present. Maybe, forever, maybe for relatively short time. It may echo as neurosis, insomnia, remind of itself in nightmares or sucking feeling in a chest. Life still is towards death, and always will be. But it is life that matters, and we still have plenty of time to die. Meanwhile, look for eyes to ignite with something that is called burning fire of life.

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