Marta B Mueller
Aug 8, 2017 · 2 min read

Up until this point in your “Raising Children” piece I was on board. The Gerber and Montessori tenets, among others, empower children and support them in positive ways. The importance of not physically restraining a child or squelching his/her spirit was mentioned. (I don’t know remember exactly it was written, word for word, but it was something about how you wouldn’t drag an adult back inside who wanted to ride his motorcycle because he wasn’t supposed to leave.) However, the Ferber, or “Cry it Out” approach is not, to my mind, about respecting a child’s integrity. Respecting a child’s integrity as you would an adult’s integrity also applies in the emotional realm. If I needed my husband to hold me and be with me and he just left me in my room to cry I would consider this unkind indeed, and it would foment distrust and a desire to reconsider my choice of a husband. Children are helpless so they don’t even have the choice of divorcing you for cruel abandonment.

So I propose that leaving a child to cry every night until he/she gives up because they no longer can count on you for comfort (it is scary and sad to be alone at night and sleep, as many adult single people will attest to) is for the convenience of the parent, not the child. Don’t mask it as being for the good of the child. You might argue that it “establishes good sleep habits” or some such thing. I say good sleep habits do not involve the Ferber method. I don’t buy into the belief that children need this. As for parents needing it…? Parenting is not “taking the easy road”, as we all know. Personally I have made a commitment to making my child feel safe at bedtime. This involves being with him until he falls asleep, and coming to him when he wakes and cries. Furthermore, I submit that the Ferber method has to be reintroduced all over again whenever a sleep routine changes, such as with illness or vacations/travel. Your wife’s instinct to go to your children at night when they cried for her is a strong and valid one, imo one she should have heeded. I believe my son will grow up with a secure attitude toward sleep as an adult, knowing he deserves comfort and love ANY time of day or night. He doesn’t need to be programmed. Every day at naptime and every evening at bedtime he says “go bedroom go sleep”. He knows when he’s tired, and he has the autonomy over his body to identify it.

Marta B Mueller

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