Seven Things Everyone Should Do Before Being Mass-Shot
Do these seven things every day just in case you don’t get a tomorrow, on account of how the NRA has spent $3 million on lobbying Congress (so far this year).
Everybody knows you should live life to the fullest, and that goes double for your last day on Earth! So far in 2017, there have been over 280 days — and over 280 American deaths as a result of a mass shooting. That’s about one death per day, or more than one death per pound of Colin Kaepernick, who weighs 230 and can’t get a job throwing a ball because he believes in racial justice.
Anyway! An average of one person is mass-shot every day, and you never know if it’s gonna be you, so make like a Boy Scout and invite a creepy old racist to talk about sex yachts at your annual Jamboree—I mean, Be Prepared!
1. Call your congressional representatives. JK, JK, what are they gonna do, work together to pass bipartisan laws to prevent thousands of gun deaths every year? LOLOL. No.*
2. While you’re at it, call your family and close friends to tell them how much you love them. This might take a while, actually. Settle in. Call in late to work. Honestly, doing this every day will probably take a toll on your career (goodbye, #mommytrack; hello, #massshootertrack!), but on the bright side, maybe you’ll be dead soon!
3. You should ALWAYS do something fun on your potential death day (which is much more likely to come from a gun than a knife, especially since it’s, like, PRET-ty hard to use a knife to kill 59 people and wound over 500 others in a 15-minute time span from the 32nd floor of a hotel). Cosplay as a Medieval witch, complete with English accent and bleeding bowl! Hide in your neighbors’ bushes with some Silly String! Get into a heated Facebook argument — maybe you’ll convince them this time! Who’s got the last laugh now, huh? Your ghost, that’s who!
4. Eat your last meal, and pack it with your favorites! Since you never know at what point after leaving your house you might get mass-shot (by, statistically, a white man), this will have to be breakfast. Hopefully your favorite meal is already a breakfast food. If it isn’t, start building up a tolerance for early-morning deep-fried Snickers bars.
5. Burn all your old journals. This will take longest on the first day. After that, you’ll only have access to one day of memories and self-reflection at a time — but once you’ve been pointlessly murdered by someone who, in eight out of ten cases, is not mentally ill but actually just a raging asshole who has been enabled to acquire an unlimited supply of military-grade firepower due to an almost total lack of restrictions, all of which can be traced back to an amendment that was written when you had to add powder and bullets to your musket separately and reload them after every shot, your roommate with the extensive collection of cicada shells will also only have access to one day of your memories and self-reflection at a time, so it’s a net win.
6. Update your manifesto. There’s a legit possibility that your shooter will have one, so why should he** have the final say? Make it sassy. And really make the closing line snap. These will be your last words, after all. Do Oscar Wilde proud, or at least make your parents feel a little fucking remorse for never getting you that Easy-Bake Oven you always wanted.
7. Say your final goodbyes to your pets. Prepare some thoughts and prayers—I mean, extra food and water for them, just in case no one comes to see them for a while after your death, and leave your smelliest shapewear on the couch for them to snuggle with while you’re gone, aka until the end of time. Because, like diamonds, being mass-shot is forever!
And that’s it! Really just go forth and nail the shit out of your final day, however many times you get to have one before it’s your turn to face the literal modern-day American firing squad! If you don’t think about it too hard, you might even kind of enjoy it!
**Yes, 98 percent of the time, it will be a he.