Monogamy: Does 1 + 1 = 1?
Significant other. Partner. Husband. Wife. Life partner. All terms to describe a half and not a whole. If we were two independent beings in a relationship, we would introduce people with just their name. This is John, Beth, Sam, Jessie, etc. Not their name and a title that describes their role in keeping you together.
We are born with self-love, but many people at various stages of life find themselves asking: Where did it go, what made it leave, and where is it now? There are many answers to these questions. A lot of it has to do with how you were raised and in what environment. Who was the voice in your head? Because I’m here to tell you, if it was YOU, the DIVINE YOU, life would be different.
Many of us are not taught unconditional love, which is love no matter what. Especially unconditional love for all living things.That’s a tough one to think about. Can you still have love and compassion for the person who killed your loved one? For a person with religious views so different from your own that they want to kill you? For someone who hurt you intentionally? No, we are definitely not taught to do that. Even unconditional love for yourself. The ugly trio: shame, blame, and guilt. You’re not suppose to love yourself, you’re suppose to criticize yourself in order to achieve unattainable self improvement.
What does the world look like when humans walk around with unconditional self love?
Marriage: the sanctity of love. As humans, we can be capable of infinite amounts of unconditional love. So, to say you are only going to love one person for the rest of your life is contradictory to human nature. You can commit to just having sex with one person for the rest of your life, which is still against human nature but easier to pull off.
Relationships rarely start off with two independent people with unconditional self love. They very often begin with two people coming off of another codependent relationship. Whether it’s their parents or a previous relationship. I resist using the words failed relationship because there is no such thing. Our time is finite and so are many relationships. We are a race, constantly seeking salvation. Save me, take care of me, love me.
Caregiving is for raising children or those that truly can’t care for themselves. It’s not for relationships. You want someone who can take care of themselves so you can take care of yourself. Someone whose self love cup is full so you can over flow it instead of constantly trying to fill a leaking cup.
Communication is essential. My 9-year-old daughter said to me, “You know what mom? When I look at people in relationships, any kind of relationship, the biggest thing I see is a lack of communication.” That’s pretty deep for a 9-year-old, but easy for a creature who communicates every possible thing in her head.
You have two people who come together. One thinks, “I really like this person and would enjoy spending a finite amount of time together.” The other thinks, “This is IT!!! The ONE! Forever and ever and ever and ever.” And there’s no communication. Not even when one is down on their knee asking for forever and the other is thinking, how did we get here? You have people latching onto one another, each thinking they’ve found their salvation, for forever or for a moment.
As a society there is a huge chunk of us who enter into relationships with no sense of a communicated contract or independence or self love. Just frightened dependency. Two individuals coming together as one? For every moment of a lifetime? Impossible. Two individuals coming together to share moments within their lifetimes? Better.
