A local Westdale pediatric research center, the Vandens Institute, is alerting its neighbors to prepare for eruptive activity in the days to come, as the eight-month-old baby in their research facility has not defecated for a week.
“We just want everyone in the area to be vigilant,” said John Vanden, Co-Director of Research, as he walked up to a neighbor’s door with a flier advising of the growing threat. The flier warns of noise, air, and even visual pollution the neighborhood may experience when the explosion and its subsequent cleanup efforts occur. …
Editor’s Note: Rejection Without Review
The Day the Earth Stood Still for The Man With One Red Shoe: Understanding March 11, 2020 through the Films of Tom Hanks
“My Kingdom for a Tiger” — Richard III and Proto-Allegories of Big Cat Tourism
“Imagine” All the COVID is Gone: Pandemic Celebrity Social Media and Secular Liberation Theologies
Dongs on Daguerreotype, Dongs on Zoom: Masculine Histories of Expressive Communication Technologies
QAnontologies: “If Murder Hornets Are Crisis Actors, Then What Are We?”
Pandemic Auteur: Songbird and the Clarion Trill of Michael Bay’s Oeuvre
What are they thinking about? What about now? And now? Reading Pre-Pandemic and Contemporary Trump Voter Ethnographies
After Sturgis: Revisiting Smashmouth’s Musical Legacy
Protecting Your Story to Publication: Bob Woodward’s Rage as a Journalism Case Study
“But We All Got Tested” — Strategic Brand Restoration in the COVID Era
Whether you’re a three-month-old who can finally see beyond twelve inches or a parent who needs a digital babysitter, these reimagined turn-of-the-century dating shows will make everyone cry for more screen time!
What happens when one kid with cake and pony rides for two meets four possible new friends? No, this isn’t a word problem — it’s Elimi-Play-Date! Contestants will need more than words to be the last friend standing when we lock the parents out and let the hurt-feeling-hilarity fly! But we don’t let everything fly, because we don’t mean that kind of elimination.
X-Toy-Effect Looks like your…
1. “Could you, would you, on a train?”
2. “She tugged and pulled and pulled and tugged and slowly, slowly, slowly they started off.”
3. “Did you ever milk this kind of cow?”
4. “There’s a hole? There’s a hole! There’s a hole, hole, hole.”
5. “That’s it. Now make your fingers wiggle.”
6. “Sometimes you feel two feelings at the same time and that’s okay.”
7. “Something’s moving big and slow. Something’s growling loud and low.”
8. “He uses his big tail to keep his balance, so he won’t fall.”
9. “I see a teacher looking at me.”
You turn to us when you want to speak volumes without saying a word, so you’re probably thinking, what do we have to say? This Valentine’s Day? We’re giving ourselves the gift that says forever: we announce the formation of our union, the United Statement Jewelry Piecefitters of America.
Our employers recognize we are an integral part of humanity’s greatest holidays and milestones. I mean, would parents even remember they have children without a tiny, birthstone-encrusted shoe delivering periodic kicks to their jugular? …
Dear Mr. Hartman,
We write to thank you for your past generous support to the Springdale Zoo through our Adopt-an-Animal Program. Pepita the capybara thrived through your family’s financial support last year, but unfortunately pandemic closures continue to challenge the mission of the zoo and our ability to feed and take care of over 500 animals representing 138 different species. Because of our limited finances we must exercise clause 15B of the Adopt-an-Animal program agreement and request that you pick up Pepita by 5 p.m. on February 10. …
Humor writer and all-around human. Published in Slackjaw, Frazzled, and Paper Darts.