Stepping into the right relationship with your inner perfectionist

This article is part 1 in “Our inner team” series.

I’ve long been exploring internal dynamics in myself and how they are showing up in my relationships and my leadership. In systems coaching, they are known as our inner team. I’ve first heard it at Centre for Right Relationship during my Organisation and Relationship Systems (ORSC) coaching training, but apparently the German psychologist Friedemann Schulz von Thun studied and wrote quite a bit about the concept of the inner team. I wanted to write a series on this topic and share some of the systemic tools I use to reveal parts of the inner team, explore their voices and agendas and create the right relationship with them.

The inner team is a multitude of inner voices, parts of self that inhabit us. Inner critic could be one of the voices, but there are likely more, even ones you might not be aware of. Some of them are internalised voices of our parents, teachers and cultures. Some of them are our inner leaders, voices of our intuition, our cheerleaders and allies. All these parts have opinions, agendas, they talk to us, they “advise” us, they argue and can sometimes create huge tensions inside of us.

As a relationship systems coach, I work with both individual leaders and teams on getting aware of these different parts of ourselves, how they play out in group interactions and creating the right relationship with them.

One of the most common and insidious patterns holding back creative leaders that I see in my coaching practice is perfectionism. It is the death sentence for creativity, both individual and collective. So this felt like a good place to start.

What it is

Perfectionism is one of our survival strategies. Our inner perfectionists try to keep us safe by telling us a story that we believe is the truth. It creates a big condition and claims it in our life:

If you are perfect and do everything perfectly:

• you will be accepted in the tribe, you will be safe, admired and loved
• you will be protected from self-judgement and other people’s judgements of you
• they won’t be able to hurt you
• you will be in control and have order in your life
• you will be rewarded (monetarily or otherwise)

The consequences

The problem is that this protection strategy can lead to our constant frustration that we are not perfect, that other people are not perfect and that the world is not perfect. We get thrown off course, when the reality doesn’t match our expectations and then we want to control people and circumstances even more. This leads to further rigidity, frustration and resentment and becomes a self-perpetuating cycle.

Leaders (or parents, for that sake) with perfectionist tendencies can cause:

• Triggering other people’s inner perfectionists, which can create a downward spiral of fear and anxiety about making mistakes and failing
• Fear of failure that prevents you from showing up authentically, leading to distrust in our teams
• Unwillingness to risk anything, leading to diminished creativity and capacity to innovate in our teams
• Self-doubt about the value and quality of your work, hiding the work until “it’s perfect”, which then leads to further doubt when feedback is given and confirms our imperfection
• Spending a disproportionate amount of time on details instead of focusing on things that really matter (details can matter, too — just not always)
• Team disengagement and giving up when people feel that they can “never get it right anyway”
• A performance culture of “never good enough” where your self-worth is conditioned by constant striving, achievement, competition and “being the best” at all cost

“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you insane your whole life.” — Anne Lamont

Don’t shame and belittle it — you are shaming a part of yourself that has been protecting and serving you well (albeit unskilfully).

The way out

Having unwired much of my own perfectionism, I’m here to tell you that there is another way to get into right relationship with your inner perfectionist. It’s not a quick fix. This process needs patience and dedication.

When your inner perfectionist is triggered the next time:

1. Notice where you feel it in your body and what that is like
2. Investigate why it’s there, what’s its agenda and how it’s tying to protect you
3. Ask how you can take responsibility for its concerns as an adult
4. Commit to changing your habitual responses, so you can be in right relationship with that part of self
5. Identify a particular situation you want to handle in a different way
6. Thank your perfectionist and tell it that you got this now
7. Do things differently
8. Keep an awareness about people and situations that trigger this part of you and prepare in advance for those interactions.

When you do this work, you may need to temporarily or permanently remove yourself from triggering people and situations. It’s ok to set this boundary, even when it’s hard.

You got this!

Through my creative studio Thought Wardrobe,

I work with creative team leaders to reclaim their creative confidence and self-belief to shape cultures and work that matters (and have fun with it again).

I do this through:

1. Leadership coaching & development

2. Team coaching & development

If you would like to explore how we could work together, book a free discovery call.