Men Explain This to Me
And yes, that title is a shout out to Rebecca Solnit
Look, I’m 58, old enough to have been around the block so often that I could do a detailed architectural diagram solely from memory. If there’s a tendency in life that I don’t understand, then it’s not for small sample size.
This is what I don’t get. A guy sees a woman on the street, especially in the summer, when streets of New York City quite sensibly turn into something like a clothing optional zone and desires her. Why is there an assumption that the interest is mutual? I mean let’s look at some parallel situations.
A guy is sitting in a restaurant, chatting with friends over appetizers and an amazing main course comes by en route to another table. Does the guy suddenly get up and go to that other table and insist that the entrée was better suited for his table?
If a guy is sitting outside at a corner coffee bar and someone pulls up to the stoplight in a Lamborghini. Does the guy immediately assume that he belongs in the driver’s seat of the Lambo?
Or lastly, if a guy goes to a bar to have a drink and watch a sporting event, and discovers that the bar now features a huge, ultra-high definition television that makes it seem like the athletes are practically coming out of the screen into the bar, does he then order a second drink and inform the bartender that the TV is coming home with him?
Of course not.
Yet.
The issue here isn’t to oppose catcalls or verbal harassment on the street. Anyone who doesn’t understand how dehumanizing and wrong that is, hasn’t read this piece this far. What I’m wondering is the why presumption that underpins such actions exist. Lots and lots of guys see women that arouse them, which is not unusual; I live in New York City, where there are literally millions of gorgeous women going about their business daily. But what makes a guy presume that he can and should be a part of her business?
Guys, if the answer is that something that hangs between your legs, then we’ve hit on the problem. Not to labor the obvious, but all guys have that something. So being obstreperous doesn’t make your something more special; in fact, it probably has the opposite effect.
There are a lot of tenets to what is being called toxic masculinity and perhaps the most pernicious one is the idea that “being a man” entails domain or even ownership of women’s bodies. And no, I’m not talking about men and their significant other. That kind of domain and ownership is probably mutual in a relationship.
So, am I arguing that a man should do nothing when feeling lust at the sight of a woman on the street? Well, probably, unless there’s a chance to have a conversation based on something other than the man’s lust.
In my various trips around the block, I’ve encountered several women with whom an acquaintance began via unsolicited conversation on the street. I met KC, a personal trainer and fitness competitor, a little more than 20 years ago at a Greenmarket. She was wearing a Dance France catsuit and we discussed her flamboyance, which she saw and utilitarian as her days involved working out, seeing clients and getting around town. She also considered it her reward for years of maintaining a vigorous fitness regimen and strict diet.
I met Amy, a personal trainer and dancer, a few years later, on a corner near a store I worked at. At the time, I was at the peak of my gym rat phase. She was wearing separates from Hot Skins, a fitness clothing company that I had just received a catalog from. I approached her and asked if her outfit was from Hot Skins. It was, and we walked together while she told me about the fit versus her expectations their endurance and we bonded over how we both liked the candy cane/barbershop pole look.
About a decade later, well after my gym rat days ended, I met Jinji on First Avenue near my East Village apartment. At the time she was wearing a leopard print catsuit and vintage Reeboks. I asked her as she crossed the avenue if her catsuit was new or also vintage. She lit up with glee and talked about how much more stylish workout wear was in the ’80s and ’90s. The light changed, and cars started whizzing by us, she was so caught up on the topic.
In each case, I sublimated my lust and found a conversational common ground. These stunning women were learned in an interest of mine that I wanted to advance (style, body consciousness and flamboyance). And in each case, phone numbers were exchanged and coffee dates, long phone conversations, dinners, concerts and walks ensued. Also, in each case, we discovered that our common ground wasn’t large enough to sustain a long-term relationship, but that’s fine. We explored the possibility. I think that’s most you can hope for with an attractive acquaintance.
Workout wear was an interest of mine because I wanted to break the institutionalized cloak of body shame that envelopes many — if not most — men. Women have to break an even bigger force of body shaming, so I look to their example, but really the basis for dialogue could be anything as long as the premise is that she’s learned and if she has a moment, can she pass along some knowledge.
For the most part, we’re all like that. I’m a part time jazz critic and if you stop me on the street and ask me about the new John Coltrane recording then unless I’m running 20 minutes late, I’m going to stop and talk about it.
These three women in particular and many many many women in general are strong in ways I’m not. I’m eager to learn from them and if that conversation can lead to something bigger, so much the better.
And yet, most men I see, seem to think that women are supposed to know something good because we’re here. That doesn’t make any sense to me. Men, please explain.
*****
Martin Johnson is a freelance writer whose work on music, sports and culture has appeared in the Wall Street Journal, New York Times, Newsday, New York, Vogue, Rolling Stone, The Root, Slate, The Atlantic, and numerous other publications and websites. He also blogs at Rotations, and he can be contacted at thejoyofcheese@gmail.com.
