Spoonie Secrets: Issue #12

A safe space for people with chronic illness where they can share deepest and darkest secrets anonymously.

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Trigger Warning: sexual assault, suicidal thoughts

1. I constantly tell people I’m better than I actually am, especially at work and to my parents. I fear that one day I will get worse and my lies will be obvious. I’ve always been the strong and independent one and fear that I’m slowly losing those qualities. I will put myself through hell to keep working full-time and being as independent as possible for as long as I can. I don't want to have to quit and move home because I’m too sick to take care of myself anymore. That is my worst fear.

2. I worry that my boyfriend will finally get tired of dealing with me and all my issues and leave me. If he does I’m not sure how I will be able to cope as he is my rock and keeps me sane in this painful and crazy journey.

3. Three years ago I got sick after I kissed someone, been having different symptoms ever since doctors say my blood tests look “NORMAL” but I still don’t feel ok. After doing research I think it could be Candida Overgrowth.

4. I didn’t think of it as being suicidal, I just wanted peace, I didn’t want to wake up. I thought I’ll take enough to not wake up, but I never really connected it as killing myself. And I told my husband that I got rid of all the dangerous drugs I’ve accumulated over the years but I lied. I keep a secret stash hidden in case things get worse.

5. I sometimes believe people when they say there’s nothing wrong with me, and blame myself for being lazy. Then I try doing things and get bedridden for 3 days.

6. I’m sensitive to light and smells, and even colors. I get nauseous in bright sunlight, and around weird smells that nobody else seems to notice. People think of this as snobbish. Like I think I’m better than them, and I never adjust.

7. I haven’t been to college after crawling through the last two years of school. It’s been 6 years. I never thought my life would look like this. Nobody believes me. They think I’m a brat, and I just want to sit at home, sleep all day, and fake being ill. Sometimes I believe their narrative, too. It’s only in my worst times, when there’s no escape whatsoever, do I realize how bad this is. Even with so much time on my hands, I still cannot do the things I loved. I miss my imagination. I can’t even read books and visualize things. I read books, and see nothing in my head. How do I even work on myself? I’m guilt ridden for the years that I lost.

8. I hate the stigma around fibromyalgia. Before I was diagnosed I would research different conditions and try to narrow down what it could be. I came to the conclusion that it was fibro and I didn’t want it to be that because I knew things will just get harder. On top of dealing with a debilitating condition (which fibromyalgia is, trust me!!!) I have to deal with people who don’t understand it, doctors who don’t want to acknowledge it and everyone thinking you’re exaggerating. I feel so alone and invalidated.

9. I'm a very caring person but whenever someone gets sick or have symptoms they never had before, I'm having trouble being sympathetic like I used to be because people were/are so unsympathetic to my symptoms/condition.

10. You’re not my best friend anymore. You presented me your friend. You told me he was a family guy, a responsible good guy. I went out with him and he tried to rape me. I had to do filthy things. And my worst fear is that you planned it all.

11. You only liked me when I was healthy. When sick me came along you blamed me for all my symptoms and called me crazy. If it was anybody else I wouldn’t feel so betrayed. But you are my big sister and I admired you for so long. I don’t know if I still love you. I’m too hurt.

12. When I was sexually assaulted and almost raped I asked my father if he could get me a lawyer. His response was “let’s let these things in the past” and later he told me about his bad experiences with sex. Like he could relate to me. I was so shocked by the absurdity of it that I stayed mute. I still don’t talk to him.

13. My father only supports me financially if I let a psychiatrist treat me. He thinks all my symptoms are in my head. And I pretend I do because without his support I can’t take care of myself. I’m too sick to work or leave the house alone.

14. The worst thing about my illness is that I’ll never be independent. My dream always was working and traveling on my own. But I don’t think I can do anything on my own anymore.

Your Turn

Do you have a chronic illness? What is your deepest secret? If you’re ready to share, send it (anonymously) here.

Did you miss the previous issues? Read them here.

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I help women with chronic illness to shine and thrive. https://healthyeatingexperts.com

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