Spoonie Secrets: Issue #15

A safe space for people with chronic illness where they can share deepest and darkest secrets anonymously.

For more details on how this works and the story behind it, please click here.

Trigger Warning: The last 3 entries (numbers 6–8) talk about suicide.

1. I’m afraid to travel because I’ve gotten a flare-up and been in bed on vacation. I’m concerned I will get stuck someplace and be unable to fly home.

2. When I have a flare-up I get extremely anxious and panicky for days — I become frightened that I will have to retire early, will have no future and will be stuck at home for the rest of my life.

3. I can’t feel emotions anymore. I don’t really know if I still love my husband anymore. But I have no job due to my chronic illness, am totally financially depended on him and I have nowhere to go. So I stay.

4. 2 months ago, I worked 60 hours a week, had 3 kids I took wonderful care of and was 24 weeks pregnant, never did I say no to anything. Now, I’m in a full and severe MS flare, was forced to resign or be fired and I rely on every one for everything. I cry more than anything else now.

5. My husband never tells me I’m pretty anymore. He used to do it all the time, spontaneously. Now, never. And I can’t be upset — I know my illnesses have stolen all the “pretty” I had. But it still makes me sad.

6. I have tried killing myself multiple times because I am such a financial burden to my parents because of my illness. They think I’m better but I’m not.

7. I question my existence almost every day. I have no quality of life anymore, I only exist. Survive. It’s not that I want to die, but I hate my life. I contemplate suicide regularly, but I’m afraid I fail and make my existence even worse…

8. I wish for a terminal illness. My chronic illness isn’t lethal and with my kind of luck could become old, but I don’t want to grow old. I want to die, but I’m afraid to commit suicide. I have a small lump in my breast for over two years now, so here I am, hoping that it’s cancer. How sick is that?

Your Turn

Which confession resonates with you the most?

Do you have a chronic illness? What is your deepest secret? If you’re ready to share, send it (anonymously) here.

Did you miss the previous issues? Read them here.

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