Spoonie Secrets: Issue #15

A safe space for people with chronic illness where they can share deepest and darkest secrets anonymously.

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Trigger Warning: The last 3 entries (numbers 6–8) talk about suicide.

1. I’m afraid to travel because I’ve gotten a flare-up and been in bed on vacation. I’m concerned I will get stuck someplace and be unable to fly home.

2. When I have a flare-up I get extremely anxious and panicky for days — I become frightened that I will have to retire early, will have no future and will be stuck at home for the rest of my life.

3. I can’t feel emotions anymore. I don’t really know if I still love my husband anymore. But I have no job due to my chronic illness, am totally financially depended on him and I have nowhere to go. So I stay.

4. 2 months ago, I worked 60 hours a week, had 3 kids I took wonderful care of and was 24 weeks pregnant, never did I say no to anything. Now, I’m in a full and severe MS flare, was forced to resign or be fired and I rely on every one for everything. I cry more than anything else now.

5. My husband never tells me I’m pretty anymore. He used to do it all the time, spontaneously. Now, never. And I can’t be upset — I know my illnesses have stolen all the “pretty” I had. But it still makes me sad.

6. I have tried killing myself multiple times because I am such a financial burden to my parents because of my illness. They think I’m better but I’m not.

7. I question my existence almost every day. I have no quality of life anymore, I only exist. Survive. It’s not that I want to die, but I hate my life. I contemplate suicide regularly, but I’m afraid I fail and make my existence even worse…

8. I wish for a terminal illness. My chronic illness isn’t lethal and with my kind of luck could become old, but I don’t want to grow old. I want to die, but I’m afraid to commit suicide. I have a small lump in my breast for over two years now, so here I am, hoping that it’s cancer. How sick is that?

Your Turn

Which confession resonates with you the most?

Do you have a chronic illness? What is your deepest secret? If you’re ready to share, send it (anonymously) here.

Did you miss the previous issues? Read them here.

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Written by

I help women with chronic illness to shine and thrive. https://healthyeatingexperts.com

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