Spoonie Secrets: Issue #2

A safe space for people with chronic illness where they can share untold truths without the risk of being exposed and the fear of hurting the people around them.

Mary Gutierrez
Aug 26, 2018 · 3 min read
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For more details on how this works and the story behind it, please click here.

Trigger Warning: Contains confessions about self-harm & suicide

1. I’m epileptic and I keep my condition under control. :)

2. I am secretly terrified that my husband will get sick of me being chronically ill and will leave me, so most of the time I pretend that I am feeling good, even when I feel like complete garbage.

3. I have a very real fear of my illness becoming more complicated as I get older and not having anyone to take care of me. I’m afraid I am going to end up all alone.

4. My condition has made me scared of committing to a relationship.

5. I’ve been single the past ten years. I am terrified of having to explain to someone why I am so tired, have to cancel plans, why I feel so sick… I know how my life has been affected by this illness, the last thing I want to do is bring someone else down with me. No one deserves this hell.

6. Wherever there’s hair, there’s dry, itchy and flaky skin. So that’s my scalp, eyebrows and yes, even down there. Sometimes, it’s so itchy and painful I want to cry. It’s embarrassing and frustrating because nothing is working. And this is just one of my tiny issues.

7. I didn’t answer your calls and messages because I’ve been avoiding you. Sorry, I haven’t told you that you’re not my best friend anymore. You hurt me when you said my mental illness was a sign of weakness. You did a great job of showing me that you were disappointed in me. I don’t have any plan of confronting you. I think it’s a waste of time.

8. I had a flare-up while travelling alone. There was a woman beside me and I asked for her help. I was desperate. She looked at me and I saw fear crossed her face. She stood up and moved to the other end of the bus as fast as she could. That experience made me so scared to travel alone again. Also, I’ve been curious what that woman thought of me.

9. When I was at the lowest point of my anxiety disorder, I got curious what I would feel to see and touch a knife. When no one was looking, I went to the kitchen and took out a knife. I held it and ran my fingers through the blade. I didn’t feel anything. I was glad it didn’t appeal to me but I never told anyone about this experiment.

10. I wasn’t completely honest about my medical history and conditions with one of my job interviews. I was afraid I wouldn’t get hired.

Your Turn

Which confession resonates with you most?

Do you have a chronic illness? What is your deepest secret? If you’re ready to share, send it (anonymously) here.

Did you miss the first issue? Read it here.

Read Issue #3.

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