Spoonie Secrets: Issue #4
A safe space for people with chronic illness where they can share deepest and darkest secrets anonymously.
For more details on how this works and the story behind it, please click here.
Trigger Warning: Contains confessions about abuse, incest, addiction and murder
1. I haven’t had an active sex life in nearly four years. My wife is fed up, and I feel she wants out.
2. My older brother and my mother had an incestuous relationship that ended in them conspiring and killing my father 46 years ago. They made it look like an accident. He became a ward of the state and I was sent to live with an aunt across the country till things cooled down. When I came back 6 months later she was already living with the guy who would eventually become my stepfather and father of my younger brother. Almost from day one he beat the crap out if me and if he wasn’t physically beating me he was psychologically berating me..calling me stupid or dumbass or dufus. Despite all this I asked him once if I could call him Dad….he said no. What would it have cost him to say yes?…I was 10. He’s old now and in poor health. I see him from time to time. Not because I seek him out but because I am close to my younger brother and he comes with scenery. I don’t hate or resent him or even blame him and I especially don’t fear him. The possibility of him hurting me has long faded. In fact, the power shift is complete….I could hurt him. It would be so easy…..he’s not that bright or sophisticated and I know just where to strike with words that would cut deeper than any knife. Of course I never will nor even seriously consider it. I’m past all that now.
3. I’ve never been on a date because guys don’t look at me as date worthy
4. I am very afraid of becoming addicted to opioids.
5. My doctor gave me a medicine that I could only take when needed. I hid all the refills and receipts from my family. I didn’t want them to know how frequent my flare-ups were.
6. I avoided some social gatherings not because I was having a bad day. But because I wanted to avoid questions like ‘How have you been?’, ‘Are you okay now?’, ‘So, what is it really that you have?’. Sometimes it’s exhausting to explain your condition over and over again.
7. I didn’t want to give the same reason for not showing up. So I made up a brilliant excuse!
8. I used to look down on people with mental illness. I thought it was all in their head and they were just too negative about things. But I realized I was wrong when I had it myself.