Spoonie Secrets: Issue #5

A safe space for people with chronic illness where they can share deepest and darkest secrets anonymously.

Mary Gutierrez
Oct 7, 2018 · 3 min read
Image for post
Image for post
Image from Pixabay

For more details on how this works and the story behind it, please click here.

Trigger Warning: abuse, suicide

1. The family all expect me to keep going — they may not realise it but they do. “What’s for dinner, Mum? Is my washing ready? What is happening next week?” I am so tired, I wish I could be on my own for a break!

2. Because of everyone telling me I’m making up my pain, I sometimes wonder if I am.

3. I am so behind on my schoolwork because I’m just not feeling good. I have a high IQ which should allow me to become anything I want instead, I’m stuck in bed feeling horrible and sleeping more than 16 hours a day because I’m so tired. It’s just horrible to see your old happy self fade away because your body doesn’t function. I’m not sure how long I can try to stay happy anymore before breaking and falling apart.

4. I had gone untreated for almost a year, with many misdiagnoses until finally my intestine was so inflamed, it constricted, completely closed off, and formed abscesses all up the side. I was in and out of the hospital for almost 7 months (I can’t count how many times on both hands) and ultimately had to have a surgery. During that time I was on a medication that drastically changed my life. It gave me nerve damage and neuropathy in my legs, feet, and hands. I can move my legs, but the feeling is gone; It’s like someone touching me with a glove even when it’s skin-to-skin contact. I used to be able to walk, run, work out, with complete ease not even a year ago, and now I have trouble functioning with everyday tasks. I lost my legs to a damn medication that was supposed to fix me. I used to be an extremely active individual, and now walking is hard because i don’t have balance, I don’t have self-awareness with my legs anymore, and the simple things like stepping on a rock or stubbing my toe can immobilize me for an extended period of time. The worst part of it all is I continue to battle these issues everyday and those around me will never fully understand my struggle or my devastation over it. I fight my bitterness over it everyday, especially because this situation was not caused my own doing. I’m angry, sad, traumatized, and feel hopeless a lot of days. I am working on loving myself even in this decrepit body.

5. I attempted suicide 7 times. I got hospitalized twice. I just wanted the pain to end. Now I have a two year old daughter and sometime I want to die because of the pain, but I never act on it because deep down I know she needs me.

6. My boyfriend is abusive. I love him and we’ve been together for 7 years. He’s good to everyone but me. It started getting bad because I talked to other guys online to get some kind of attention. I always blamed it on my bf for not giving me any attention, but am I wrong?

7. One day I woke up and my whole way of thinking was completely changed. I woke up and I felt renewed and awakened. It was such a miracle at a much needed time. There IS HOPE.

Your Turn

Which confession resonates with you the most?

Do you have a chronic illness? What is your deepest secret? If you’re ready to share, send it (anonymously) here.

Did you miss the previous issues? Read them here.

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store