Spoonie Secrets: Issue #5
A safe space for people with chronic illness where they can share deepest and darkest secrets anonymously.
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Trigger Warning: abuse, suicide
1. The family all expect me to keep going — they may not realise it but they do. “What’s for dinner, Mum? Is my washing ready? What is happening next week?” I am so tired, I wish I could be on my own for a break!
2. Because of everyone telling me I’m making up my pain, I sometimes wonder if I am.
3. I am so behind on my schoolwork because I’m just not feeling good. I have a high IQ which should allow me to become anything I want instead, I’m stuck in bed feeling horrible and sleeping more than 16 hours a day because I’m so tired. It’s just horrible to see your old happy self fade away because your body doesn’t function. I’m not sure how long I can try to stay happy anymore before breaking and falling apart.
4. I had gone untreated for almost a year, with many misdiagnoses until finally my intestine was so inflamed, it constricted, completely closed off, and formed abscesses all up the side. I was in and out of the hospital for almost 7 months (I can’t count how many times on both hands) and ultimately had to have a surgery. During that time I was on a medication that drastically changed my life. It gave me nerve damage and neuropathy in my legs, feet, and hands. I can move my legs, but the feeling is gone; It’s like someone touching me with a glove even when it’s skin-to-skin contact. I used to be able to walk, run, work out, with complete ease not even a year ago, and now I have trouble functioning with everyday tasks. I lost my legs to a damn medication that was supposed to fix me. I used to be an extremely active individual, and now walking is hard because i don’t have balance, I don’t have self-awareness with my legs anymore, and the simple things like stepping on a rock or stubbing my toe can immobilize me for an extended period of time. The worst part of it all is I continue to battle these issues everyday and those around me will never fully understand my struggle or my devastation over it. I fight my bitterness over it everyday, especially because this situation was not caused my own doing. I’m angry, sad, traumatized, and feel hopeless a lot of days. I am working on loving myself even in this decrepit body.
5. I attempted suicide 7 times. I got hospitalized twice. I just wanted the pain to end. Now I have a two year old daughter and sometime I want to die because of the pain, but I never act on it because deep down I know she needs me.
6. My boyfriend is abusive. I love him and we’ve been together for 7 years. He’s good to everyone but me. It started getting bad because I talked to other guys online to get some kind of attention. I always blamed it on my bf for not giving me any attention, but am I wrong?
7. One day I woke up and my whole way of thinking was completely changed. I woke up and I felt renewed and awakened. It was such a miracle at a much needed time. There IS HOPE.