Spoonie Secrets: Issue #6

A safe space for people with chronic illness where they can share deepest and darkest secrets anonymously.

Image from Pixabay

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Trigger Warning: suicidal thoughts

1. I’m afraid that I’m not really chronically ill, that I’m really just fat.

2. I get so tired of having fatigue and often wonder how that will affect my future. I’m only 18 but I’m scared that I will never find love and get married due to my illness. Also that it will get in the way of me being able to have a steady career for myself and my family.

3. With the way people talk about chronic illness now, especially on social media, sometimes I feel inadequate for “just” having fibromyalgia instead of a rarer condition or combination.

4. I’m jealous of those with supportive parents. While my mom is often supportive, she also reminds me of how much more she pushes herself with her chronic illness compared to me and how I need to do more, also that I am a burden to herself and others. Thanks mom… we don’t have the same illnesses, we deal with different things. I wish I was healthy and strong enough to do more. I truly do what I can when I can and push myself as much as I can handle. I get it, you can handle more.

5. I feel like I’m falling down a hole. I’m trying to grab onto whatever I can on the way down, to regain some control but it’s getting harder and my world is getting smaller. I’m so scared for my future and desperately want answers and help from my doctors so that I can regain some sort of hope and strength in my life again.

6. My boyfriend recently left me because my illnesses were ruining his life.

7. None of the people close to me know how often I wish the universe would just take me out of my misery.

8. I recently discovered I’m a high functioning autistic. I got diagnosed with EDS, MCAS and POTS all in the last two years and now this. I’m almost 40 years old. With my other diagnoses, I felt relieved to know what’s wrong with me, but now I’m starting to feel like the biggest genetic freak to walk the planet and I can’t get over feeling like a fool. How does a person make it to 40 and not know she’s autistic? I may not have had a name for the other stuff, but I knew and it felt right. The Autism? No clue! And my child is autistic! How am I going to tell people and not be the punchline of the year?

9. “Accepting” my condition and understanding it will not go away is not giving in — it is liberating!

10. When I look down forever I want to kill myself. I’m only 30 and if this is the best I will be then I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t have kids, treatments cost too much, seems like a downward spiral of hopelessness.

11. I’ve been told by my family that I am lazy a liar faking being sick a lot of things and it hurts…but I just tell myself they don’t understand. What I am faking though is looking like everything is fine when it’s clearly not. Addison’s disease.

Your Turn

Which confession resonates with you the most?

Do you have a chronic illness? What is your deepest secret? If you’re ready to share, send it (anonymously) here.

Did you miss the previous issues? Read them here.