Small Acts Of Self-Care You’ve Earned Today

  1. Buy a kombucha
    One of these fizzy fermented drinks costs $3.99. You made $12.80 today and have therefore earned a kombucha. Congratulations.
  2. Clip your nails
    You felt bloated all day and this is a free, easy way to feel like you’ve lost 10 pounds.
  3. Don’t to the gym
    Your membership is $60 a month, which is roughly $2 a visit if you go every day, so you can afford to skip the gym today — barely.
  4. Exfoliate in the shower
    Your tub of scrub cost $6 so you can afford to use 1/30th of it, which should be just enough to make your forearms real soft.
  5. Don’t read the news
    It’ll only stress you out. Plus, you’re almost out of data.
  6. Wax your own pussy
    Treat yourself to a nice smooth pussy and a whole lot of self-inflicted pain. Obviously you can’t afford to pay a Russian woman $70 to rip hair off the most sensitive parts of your body, but you can afford to lock the bathroom door and use 1/6th of a $12 container of wax — if you have the strength of will.
  7. Don’t listen to your sets from last night
    It’s been a long, hard day so go ahead and take a break from listening recordings of yourself telling jokes to four strangers in a basement. This doesn’t cost a cent but it’s the most luxurious gift you could ever give yourself.
  8. Take an Uber pool
    Go ahead and treat yourself to a car ride halfway home. After all the other extravagances you enjoyed today, you only have $4.80 of your earnings left, which is just enough to get you approximately halfway home, so enjoy the ride — and the walk!
  9. Eat a cookie
    But you have to steal it.
  10. Spend the night on the couch
    Not only did you earn a night in, it’s all you can afford right now. So go ahead and lie down, turn on the tv, relax and DO NOT leave your house because you didn’t earn enough money to do anything outside of it.



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Mary Cella

Mary Cella

Comedian and writer. Twitter: @mary_cella