My Secret Journal

The best part of this is that I am writing my thoughts out, letting them go into the universe, and hoping that the right person reads them. A “message in a bottle” if you will….. a “post on a site”.

“I hate my life.” This used to be my favourite expression. Whatever happened, it used to be my “go to” phrase. I don’t hate my life. I hate the way I have lived it. It feels like I have spent all my life waiting…. for graduation, for the perfect job, for recognition, for the right guy, for the wedding day, for the pregnancy to take, for the baby, for the babies to get old enough so I can have myself back, for my dad to get better, for the truth to come out, for the pain to go away, for the divorce to come through, for the plane to land, for the time to be right, for the weekend to come, for the debts to be paid off, for the depression to go away, for life to start again……I have spent all my life waiting. And in so doing, I never lived fully in the moment — although I did it more than most, I want to be able to LIVE again.

I’ll be 50 next year. Never did I imagine celebrating it alone. And yet, looks like that is the way I’ll be crossing the halfway mark. I wanted so much…. I got so much. But not what I was planning for.

The ex married my friend, whom he had been seeing for a long (!!) time. The kids who were with me 24/7 are now living with him, in his great big house. Some bimbo is living the life I sacrificed everything for….. and I am up to my eyeballs in debt, living alone, with just enough to make ends meet. Somehow through it all, I am content. Yes I wanted more, I deserved so much more, I am lonely and quite often feel unappreciated and unrecognized, but it is on my terms with NO MORE LIES.

The hardest part was having my heart broken 3 times in a row — never thought something broken can be re-broken….. what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger…. I am still waiting to get strong.

you know?