So it’s 2021 and for the first time I don’t have review of the previous year or list of things I want to do and achieve this year. Somehow I like it. It takes away the burden of planning and impending disappointments. 2020 was really rough and I’m not even sure I’m ready to write about it.

Going through this year fresh as a baby’s bottom. No long talk, no writing just doing. Oh the one thing I’m excited about doing is giving thanks. So I’m doing a 52 weeks of gratitude thing.

Anyways welcome to 2021, where all things are new. 🙏🏽🌞

It’s December 25th 2020 and things are far from what I thought.

  1. Traveling plans dey shake
  2. No partner/boyfriend/husband
  3. No money
  4. My phone is spoilt
  5. My father is MIA
  6. We’re broke
  7. I hate my job
  8. Business is slow

The list is endless. But I’m thankful because I’m alive and I get to go through these things. Also because I know that things could change for could and be waaay better than anything I’ve ever imagined.

  1. Traveling could finally work
  2. I could meet someone that’ll make me forget all the bad experiences
  3. I could get a job that’ll literally erase my broke…

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your request be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Coincidentally I’ve been down through out this week. Just brooding and crying and somehow I couldn’t get myself to cheer up. I also haven’t been eating, matter of fact I’ve actually lost 3–4 kg. It’s been hell. A lot of things have been happening in my family and I was scared it’ll alter the course of my life…

Over the past few weeks, I’ve felt very bad about my relationship with this human. How we’re gradually going from best friends to barely talking. I’ve written one million notes about it. Today, a colleague talked to me about him and while talking about him I realized how much I miss having him as my friend and having him in my corner. Decided to reach out to him and he was still very cold. I’ve tried again in the way I know best. Sending very long note. I hope he replies. I actually do miss him and miss us. …

Last couple of weeks have been shitty. The person I like actually likes me but is confused so he’s confusing me too. Since then I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster. Two people have been referred to me. Didn’t hear from one of them again. I’m broke broke and I don’t know how to afford school.

I feel ungrateful. I feel like I should be grateful because every step no matter how little is still a step in the right direction.

For instance I’m broke Cos I paid deposit for school in other words, my brokeness isn’t really a bad…

This morning I woke up with so much fear in my heart. Actually I woke up to fast and the thought dropped in my mind. It crossed my mind that if God answers my prayers and I get two of the things I asked for this year, this might be my last December in my parent’s house. The fear was so much that I ended up not fasting.

I realized this is what people mean by our biggest fear is that we might actually get the things we want. I managed to pray and talk myself out of the situation…

This year was me growing a lot, falling down, coming back up, outdoing myself and finding myself again.

First Quarter

In January, I realized I had feelings for a particular person while trying to get over my breakup. February was back to going out with my ex while the person I thought I liked got into a new relationship. By March, my ex and I had crossed the line again. I told the person I liked about how I felt about him and he made it clear he had no feelings for me. I also went on a trip I was to…

Guess who showed up?! Dora the explorer. He sent a text message apologizing and wanting to be friends. I haven’t said anything yet. I just thanked him for the apology and told him I’d get back.

Truthfully I’m not angry at him. I stopped being angry a long time ago and most of my anger was directed at myself. I still suffer from PTSD sometimes but I’ve forgiven myself and I’ve moved on. Regarding the friendship, we’d have to start again partly because I don’t like where we left it and I have erased it from my memory. I’m also…

So the funniest and maybe the most amazing thing happened today. My friend called and we talked and somehow we ended up talking about me getting married next year and she was pissed that I wasn’t putting myself out there. According to her even if I end up in bad relationships, it’s okay at least I tried. I changed the topic Cos I could sense her expaseration. I tried explaining to her that’s not what I want for myself. As stupid and unreligious as I might seem, I put God first in a lot of things. A lot of thoughts…

Soooo. I have a secret. A good one btw. I figured since I share my misery a lot why not share this win too.

I got admitted into MEM degree at University of Leicester with discount of £5,600. At the moment, I’m currently trying to apply for additional £3,500. I pray I get it and then I can go there. 😅

School wahala is solved then? Amen somebody!!

Meanwhile the person I like? Now he’s ignoring me. Flat out airing my calls and text messages. And today I just told myself I’m done. I can’t. I have too much to…

Maryam bakre

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