Wise Secrets in an Era of Over Sharing

Mary Geary
Aug 29, 2017 · 3 min read

I had a surprising conversation with my friend, whom I’ll call Elizabeth, about two other mutual friends. Elizabeth told me about a huge favor she had done for Gina, but she swore me to secrecy not to tell our other friend, Rachel. It was an unusual request, but it made perfect sense to me. That was the surprise.

Ordinarily we strive to be in open and honest communication with each other and a frequent topic of conversation is how we can be in better contact. Why, then did keeping a secret make so much sense? Because the favor that Elizabeth had done for Gina would be impossible for her to do for Rachel and no amount of explaining could overcome the hurt that understanding would cause. It simply was the way it was.

All this started me to thinking about what made for wise secrets in an age of transparency and over-sharing. In contemporary culture secrets seem to almost always have a negative connotation. What circumstances could make a secret good or wise? I think there are at least two circumstances when keeping a secret can make sense with the understanding that secret keeping is more the exception than the rule in healthy relationships.

First, secrets can make sense when there is an imbalance of available resources. In the situation of Elizabeth and Gina, Elizabeth was able to expend time and resources to help Gina that simply would not be possible for her to do for every friend. Explaining her thought process to Rachel would only cause Rachel to feel like the lesser friend. But in reality, the limiting factor was a one-time gift of resources. Thus, keeping the secret was wise on Elizabeth’s part.

Second, secrets can make sense when personal information could cause harm to the sharer.An example would be sharing the news with a casual work friend that you are starting to look around for another job. Personal information of a sensitive nature does not have to be part of casual work relationships and could be harmful to the sharer if it came to light too early. Keeping a secret protects the holder while not violating principles of integrity with casual associates.

Being open and sharing our thoughts and feelings gives us the possibility of connecting with others. I am not advocating a return to previous decades when secrecy in many areas of life was more the order of the day. And deep sharing is a requirement of our most important friendships and family relationships. But I do think, in this age of over sharing, that it is helpful and even wise to give some thought to whether every impulse for sharing is a good one and every impulse to secrecy is a bad one.

What have you learned about the right balance between secrecy and sharing that you can share with us?

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Mary Geary

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Aspiring author. Advocate for women. Supporting the next generation of women achievers. When we all work together we all succeed. Let’s inspire each other.

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