Follow your gut, grab your dream.

Yesterday, I hit submit on an application for a PhD in Management. It is a goal that I have had for quite some time but recently I realized that, with a little effort, it could be a reality. I worked hard on an application, talked to the right professors and mentors, and labored away at a research proposal and personal statement. As soon as I hit “submit” my heart sank to my stomach. It wasn’t the feeling I was anticipating. I thought I would be relieved to have completed this stage in the process. Instead, I was nervous about the result. But not in the way you might expect….

I was not nervous because I worried about rejection. It was the opposite. I was suddenly scared that I would be offered the PhD candidate position and have to decide if this is what I truly wanted to do for the next four years. This, my friends, was not the right feeling.

For the subsequent 24 hours, I had a raging argument with myself. Is it possible for one side of your brain to want something while the other side is shouting “hell, no!”? I am here to tell you that the answer is yes. The debate with myself went something like this:

Brain: getting a PhD is what we have always wanted and it will lead to a great career in research and academia.

Heart: Sure, that’s fine and dandy. But what about the other things we want to do?

Brain: what are those other thing? …enlighten me.

Heart: I don’t know….

After a few hours of feeling more than a little overwhelmed, I went for a run and regrouped. I asked myself why I wanted a PhD in the first place. The reason was far more simple than I had initially realized: I love sharing knowledge with others. But guess what? I can do that without spending the next four years in the stacks of a library.

It’s weird to have your dreams shift in an instant. And I look forward to sharing my next project with you all.