If Saturn had to return, I’d prefer to take my old car back
Who would’ve expected Saturn to re-enter my life like it did. And not the piece of shit car I drove (and on occasion lived in) during college. Full blown Saturn Returns, the astrological period of our lives when the planet Saturn completes its orbit around the Sun, coinciding with the time of our birth, and usually leading us to a place of success or crumbling. Saturn brought me crumbs…
It all started on my birthday, July 4 last year. I was on a backpacking trip with my boyfriend, at the time. We hiked 10 miles to reach beautiful hot springs in Big Sur. On the hike back the next morning, halfway to the trailhead, 5 miles into our hike and 5 miles left to go, I slipped and fell on a broken redwood tree. My knee was a wreck, bleeding, holding shards of redwood tree, and in extreme pain. Though I have a high threshold for pain, this incident had me in tears. I sat on the trail, my hiking companion helping me clean up the blood and encouraging me to breathe deeply, while I hydrated. A feeling of lightheadedness overwhelmed me and I warned him that I was going to pass out. The next thing I knew I was regaining consciousness with my companion’s finger in my mouth. When I asked what happened, I was shocked to learn that not only did I pass out, but I also had a seizure. Hours later, after resting, warming up, and hydrating, I got up and we slowly made it the 5 miles back down the trail.
As bad as that seems, that was only the beginning.
Days later, the same boyfriend that helped me through this challenging hiking episode and I broke up, spearheading a detangling of assets and emotions that we had built up over time. My first real heartbreak. my first time living with and then separating from a partner.
The same week of the breakup, I burnt my hand, had a parked car, I was borrowing from a friend, hit.
The next week my grandmother had a stroke, and another one, spearheading time spent in and out of the hospital. My grandmother and I are incredibly close, as I lived with her for four years, when I wasn’t living in my car during college. Considering her father and three of her four sisters passed away from stroke her stroke provoked a possible reality that I wasn’t prepared to face.
Weeks later, just as I started to come out of the fog from these events, I had a personal health scare, when I experienced the worst abdominal pain I’ve faced since having an appendicitis. Honestly, I would’ve thought I had another appendix that was inflamed, given how similar the pain felt. Rather than going to the emergency room the night of my excruciating pain I waited until the next morning, and went to the doctor. (May sound stupid, but when you have the health insurance I did, you’d do the same). Turns out I had a ruptured cyst, leading to what will be several more visits, tests, and $$$. (And in case you’re curious, out-of-pocket, an ultrasound will cost you over $1,500).
The day after my initial diagnostic tests my neighbor passed away. She was old and I saw her die in a peaceful state. She was my west coast grandmother. Seeing her pass was impactful and a reminder of the fragility of life and my own grandmother.
When the dust had settled a bit from these events I found myself feeling all sorts of not well…physically and mentally. Come the new calendar year I was experiencing and facing some challenges coming to grips with some family relationships (a web that someday I’ll perhaps unravel in my memoir). My worsening physical symptoms (and new, better health insurance) inspired me to set up an appointment with my doctor, only to discover my doctor was leaving the area. Fortunately, I was able to find another great doctor, who, after some tests, diagnosed me with hypothyroid, a disorder that occurs when the thyroid gland does not make enough thyroid hormone to meet the body’s needs. Since the thyroid hormone regulates metabolism and affects nearly every organ in the body, without enough thyroid hormone, many of my body’s functions slowed down. As someone who is used to not slowing down, this news was liberating and terrifying. Liberating in that I knew why I felt exhausted all the time, had gained weight, experienced acne, had trouble remembering and articulating, among other noticeable symptoms. Terrifying in that it’s not an overnight fix or even a several week fix. Not an easily controllable condition.
So here I am, almost a year after the initial descent. What have I learned? For one thing, I learned about Saturn returns. The most important thing I’ve learned and also what has helped me through all of this and continues to help me is sharing and learning. When I started going through these tough life events, I shared these stories with my friends, and guess what?! They had similar stories to share. Stories of heartbreak, pain, loss, discomfort, all time lows. They shared these stories of low points, the struggle, the perseverance, and the ascent. When I felt most alone, I wasn’t alone. And I discovered that through sharing my struggles with others.
These aren’t the stories written about in traditional media. It’s easy to read popular media and feel alone, since all the people, companies and founders described in those stories are “crushing it”, raising tons of money, selling companies for hundreds of millions of dollars, announcing big partnerships. But that’s only happening some of the time. We don’t hear about the low points in WSJ, TechCrunch, VentureBeat, Fast Company, Forbes, Fortune, or name that popular publication. We don’t hear about founders having panic attacks. Going through ugly divorces. Dealing with dying parents. Figuring out how to keep team morale high when days away from bankruptcy. But these are the real stories. The stories that aren’t glamorous, but are the stories that are good for us to hear because
You are not alone.
We are not alone.
Share your story and hear from others, just like you. The impact you can have on someone’s life, someone who is also hurting, struggling, and trying to find her/his way, is powerful. If you want to share your story, anonymously, to get feelings off your chest and to inspire strength in others, please share your story as part of an initiative to “Tell Stories in the Dark”, collecting and sharing stories of pain, struggle, and defeat. Because together we are stronger.
There’s more to my story, but I won’t put you through too much of the detail in this post. Since I’ve felt the power of sharing stories first hand I will share more and hope my story with help you or someone you know remember that you are not alone.
Love,
Mary
