Whatever this journey is that I am on, I know that I must take it alone. I must discover me for once. Yes at age 62, Im taking this journey of life. Actually, it has been within the last few years that I have given me a lot of thought. My sister asked me a question the other day and it stunned me. She asked, “when was the first time you realized that you were lonely? “. Wow. May not be much to you but for me that was eyeopening. You see, I spend so much time trying to fix others, making others happy, making them safe and trying to be the mommy to all that I knew that I felt a void but I wasn’t quite sure what it was. I sought to fill it in other ways; church, work, anger, more anger, wrong relationships, misguided directions of what love is, fantasies of romance and romantic gestures toward me. Lonely huh? Yes, I am lonely and now what to do about it Wait a minute. There I go trying to fix something; even if it is me. First I need to answer my sister’s question and move from there.
Now, I will go back to that later. For now I will move on to this journey and step one is to declutter my environment of other people’s belongings You know like how family calls and ask if they can store something at in your storage shed or how they come stay with you for awhile and leave belongings behind. That’s what I mean. Well I sent out the call to family requesting that they remove such items within a certain time frame or I will assume that what is left is of no use and I will dispose of them. That task has begun and closets are starting to clear out. Got rid of three bags of clothes today and it felt good to see the floor of my closet. Im finding it hard to just give my books to Goodwill so I will just drive them around in my car until I find someone who will appreciate them.
Okay. Next time I will address that question on being lonely……maybe.