What I’m Afraid Will Happen if I Make a Phone Call

I hate PHONE CALLS. I looked deep inside my own (secret) truth to find out why.

This was written in homage to this article — which made me snort into my coffee.

What I am afraid will happen if I make a phone call

I will not be able to find my phone. I will be reminded of how many times a day I have to look for my phone and I will feel like a loser.

My phone battery will be nearly dead and will conk out during the call.

My phone battery will last for the entire conversation after I say I think my phone is about to die and I will seem like a crazy person or a liar.

My phone battery will be nearly dead from the phone call and then when I am hungry later I will not have enough battery life to take a picture of the chicken wings I ordered.

The person I call will not answer and I will have to rapidly compose a lucid voice mail.

The person I call will not answer and I will have to rapidly compose a lucid, clever, cool-person voice mail.

The person I call will not answer and I will have to rapidly compose a clever, cool-person voice mail, and then I will forget to convey the actual message I had called them about.

The voice mail will cut-out part way through my message and I will be forced to call again to record another message.

While recording the voice mail I will walk into a spot with (momentary) poor cell coverage and the message will be garbled and I won’t know it and then the person I called won’t understand me and will not call me back and I will think they dropped the ball and judge them and really it will have been my fault the whole time.

They will answer the phone and I will have to talk to them. After we talk about the thing that needs to be talked about, they will want to talk to me about their life and I won’t know how to make it stop.

They will answer the phone and agree to what I need - but then they will ask me to do something for them.

They will answer the phone but not be able to help me at that moment and ask me to call again later (the horror!).

They will answer the phone but clearly be distracted and I will know I called at just the wrong moment, like in the middle of a fight or in the middle of bad sex.

They will answer the phone and during the phone call I will have to go to the bathroom really badly. I won’t be able to get them to stop talking so I will tiptoe into the bathroom and veerrry gently and quietly pee. I won’t be able to flush the toilet (because of the noise) and I will forget to go back and flush after the call is done and then someone will come over and use the bathroom and see whatever I left in the toilet and I will die of embarrassment. (This one is REAL y’all.)

They will answer the phone and then say they cannot help me and I will have to go back to the beginning to find a solution and the whole phone call will have been a waste of time.

They will be irritated by my request (and also probably irritated because I called them) and will retaliate by giving my number to a telemarketer. In another time zone.

They will handle my request briskly and efficiently. I will be impressed. My gratitude will make me weak. They will use that opportunity to upsell me to a package twice as big as I need. I will have to call them back a month later (three times!) in order to go back to the original package I had before.

My time on the phone will keep me from washing my hair and I will be out of dry shampoo and I will have to go to the office with limp and greasy hair and my boss will secretly think I am incompetent and I will not get that raise I am in line for.

Snakes. Phone snakes.

After 20 minutes on the phone, I will realize that the transaction could have been solved by three text messages. One text from me. An answer from them. The third text: me — saying thanks.

Hi! I’m Mary — a chiropractor, a writer, a marketer, and a teacher.

I am the founder of The Art of Story Project, an online business which entrepreneurs to use story to become more powerful influencers.

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