Take That! And These.

Mary Martone
Aug 28, 2017 · 3 min read

I know at times I may be accused over oversharing, but it is most often in the interest of helping other folks feel less shame, or confusion, or loneliness in their challenges. Plus, I’m hilarious.

This morning I thought I’d mention, again, my gratitude for meds and the insurance to pay for them. I’ve never been a coffee drinker, so I never understood why people were so darned crusty with me when I was enthusiastic in the morning, then much better able to deal with me after a cup or two. Now that I’m at a phase of my mental health life that requires more energy than I’ve been dealt to do all the things, I appreciate the feeling. When I get up, I don’t feel sad, but I feel like I will never have the energy or desire to do pretty much anything. I pep talk and affirm myself through the shower, deodorant, chin fur removal, hair brushing (literally, “Good job, Martone! in my head on each one), etc. I remind myself, upon seeing the cabinets that still need to be painted or Etsy stock that needs to be cleaned, that I won’t feel as despairing about the everything and always-ness of it all in a bit. I take my meds and head off to work. Then within a half hour or so, I just don’t feel like it’s all impossible. I don’t feel actively happy (unless I am *actually* actively happy, which, truthfully, I am a lot) or euphoric or high or jacked up or racy… I just experience the slipping off of the despair. I can look at my to-do list with wry acceptance. My budget doesn’t terrify me. I don’t perseverate on things like a lawn that really needed to be mowed two days ago, or who will care for me when I get old.

I have also come to appreciate the roles that are played by the different pills. I used to not think of the iron as being anything that impacted my mood, but over the years I’ve learned that anemia, especially the severe anemia from which I suffer if I don’t take an epic crapload of iron, can cause depression. And the exhaustion of anemia feels like what depression feels like in me, so it’s hard to pick apart the cause of that weariness, so just take the damn iron, okay? My most recent addition is something I take because I’m so sleepy all the time, it was making driving and working hard. That’s what I can feel actually kicking in, because it’s short acting. The antidepressant (du jour) is the steady hand under it all: it is so slow to build up, I just trust that it’s doing its thing every day, because if I stop, within a week or two I’ll be well aware I am no longer being being supported there.

I’ve been taking antidepressants since 1994 (thanks, UW Health Services!), after fighting them as overprescribed (which they are) and a cliche (which they are) and a tool of The Man to keep the legitimately angry complacent. This last one does not feel true to me, since I was not out there changing the world or making my voice heard from a morose heap in my bed. I know that in previous eras I would have butched this out, but it’s also likely that I would have done that by slogging through an exhausting, empty-feeling series of days in which I would not have had the motivation or energy to connect with people, keep a job for long, or share my gifts.

There is no shame in doing what you need to do. As a matter of fact, it’s wrong NOT to do what you have access to do, because if you are being kept from sharing yourself with the world, we’re all in a poorer place. We all have a calling, and we’re the only ones who can make our unique set of magic. Care for yourself the way you would care for a small child or a beloved friend: with mercy and affection and advocacy.

)
Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade