Late Night Thoughts (Potentially Triggering)
As I lay here trying to go to sleep, thoughts keep circling my head. Its really annoying how people keep telling me to open up about what’s bothering me. “Don’t cut,” they say. “Talk to me,” they say. “I’m here for you.” Its all bullshit. It’s not that easy to open up when you have built a wall so thick that not even an army the size of the world could break down. It’s not that easy trying to remain positive. When you get put in a mental hospital for this shit it’s not okay. It’s not okay to not want to live. And it’s not okay to take a razor and drag it across your skin to make your inner pain match your outer. So you go to a program where you are forced to talk. Your inner thoughts and emotions are layed out on a table an examined like a corpse during an autopsy. Your entire past is analyzed.
“Where do you cut?…When was the last time?…Will you do it again?…What do you use… Why do you cut?…How do you feel…?”
Bullshit. It’s all bullshit. Those questions don’t help anyone. They only make matters worse. They are so triggering. And they make me feel like a 10 feet deep and 25 feet wide pile of shit. People who cut shouldnt feel as if they are being judged for not being emotionally stable. Alcoholics are judged much the same but at least with them people know that it’s a common situation to drink uncontrollably. With cutting people look at you like you are crazy. Who the fuck cuts open their own flesh to expose blood to the air? Who inflicts pain upon themselves to escape their inner demons?
I actually saw the movie, “Short Term 12,” tonight. In the film which is currently on Netflix the main character Grace says,
“…it’s impossible to worry about anything else when there’s blood coming out of you.” I honest to God don’t think I have ever heard such a true statement in my life. It’s a distraction ! It’s a way to deal with the garbage life throws you.
I realize I am supposed to be positive. But sometimes late at night when it’s dark and the sun is sleeping and so is most of the people around me, I start to think. If I hold in every emotion then I would be cutting and severely depressed again. I know I can’t go back to that. I’m doing much better. But that doesn’t mean the urges go away. They are still there. They are like lingering monsters waiting to feed on my flesh and blood. Maybe people will assume I am writing all this for attention. I fucking hate attention so that’s not it.
- I have to talk about this because I will go insane if I bottle it up anymore and I’m all set with mental hospitals right now.
- Mental illness needs to be talked about right now or people will only suffer more.
Cutting is never the answer. And neither is suicide or any other form of self harm. We need to start to love ourselves. We need to look in the mirror with pure pride ! We need to treat ourselves well.
Anyways thanks for reading my rant. Sometimes I need to just write it out.