“We have your mammogram results and the doctor would like you to come back in…”
These are terrifying words. But what I learned in the last week is that they are terrifying AND altogether too common. I’m one of those “over-sharers” who tells their whole story to everyone. I document my life in an attempt to entertain, educate, etc. So let me tell you how this has gone so far…
1- I turned 40
2- I had an annual physical
3- They sent me for my first mammogram and I left it blissfully unaware there could EVEN be anything wrong
4- I got the call on a Friday at 430pm — yes, the end of the work week, the start of a weekend, the best time to relax…. Then the “we have your results and we’d like you to come back in for more scans” call.
5- I spend the next two hours agonizing over what this means — am I going to die? Am I going to lose my breasts? Maybe they read the scan wrong. Maybe it’s the wrong patient. I’m sure I’m fine. No, I’ve got cancer, I’m sure of it. Am I overreacting? Am I going to lose my hair? Oh my God, I’m dying! Wait, no, calm down, talk to someone.
6- I call my mom. She talks me off the ledge. Then I get back on the ledge once she hangs up. Then I text one of my dearest friends, who also has big boobs, she calls me and talks me off the ledge. Then I get back on the ledge. Then I talk to my cousin, who also has big boobs, she talks me off the ledge. I start to realize that this happens to a lot of women, because each person I talk to says “don’t panic, I went through this same thing.” I also suddenly realize that all of my closest friends are big boobed, over 40, incredibly caring and have all had at least one “we need you to come back” situation with a mammogram.
7- Then I spend a full week vacillating between “I’m fine, this is common” and “I’ve got cancer and I’m going to have to go through chemo.” I spend every night wide awake wondering how I’ll deal with this if it IS cancer.
8- Then I go in for my follow-up with the attitude of “I’m sure I’m fine, this is no big deal, it happens to most women.” So I make jokes, I talk with everyone in the waiting room and exam room and I let them crush my triple d boob into a vice and move it in 15 directions, take what seems like an abnormal amount of images and then sit in the waiting room while they look at the scans. Then they call me back into the consultation room and say they need to send me to ultrasound because there is a mass, but they can’t tell if it’s a cyst, a lymph node or what.
9- So I wait in the ultrasound waiting room, trying not to panic, checking work emails and answering them as though I’m just fine.
10- Then I go to the ultrasound room and again bare my boobs to strangers. They coat me in gel and run the wand over my boob for twenty minutes looking for this “mass.” The tech gives up, saying she can’t see anything. She tells me to wait — naked from waist up — for the doctor.
11- Now I finally meet the doctor — she’s awesome, she’s warm, she’s welcoming, she’s seeing me naked. She explains what she thinks she saw, why it’s hard to determine and starts re-gelling me and using the wand. She finally pinpoints what she’s looking for, but still can’t tell. She gives me this one liner that now throws me into a total state of confusion…. “Well, it looks more benign than not, but it’s really hard to tell. It’s like a finger print, each boob is different and we have to map it. So, let’s do a biopsy, because without a tissue sample, I just don’t know what we’re working with here.”
12- Then I clean up, I sit in the waiting room and TWO — because apparently I deserve two — nurses come in to walk me through what this procedure will be and what I need to do to prepare. They answer a series of questions I ask — which I’m sure they’ve answered a million times before. The whole time they ask me if I’m ok and I give a half-hearted smile and say “I’m fine thank you.” But we all know I’m not. We schedule me for the next available appointment — — in TWENTY days. Then they walk me through the post procedure process, how long it will take to heal, how long it will take for results and so on and so on. And if we’re being honest, I heard about half of what they said.
So now, I wait. I will research online and scare myself to death. I will talk to my friends and family who have gone through this.. and I will wait. I will lose sleep, I will pray, I will cry. I will remind myself that if God is for me, who can be against me? I will cope.
And I will continue to share. SO many women go through this and we don’t really talk about it. How did I have this many friends who went through this stressful situation by themselves? How did I not know they were panicking in silence? So for any of my friends going through anything that stresses you out, freaks you out, terrifies you — tell me. I’m here for you, we’ll get through it. And we’ll probably eat ice cream while we cope.
In the meantime, do your self exam, schedule your mammogram and know the facts
