Day 2 of 2016: Find My Passion

Day one of the new year was overshadowed by a mild sense of anxiety as the reality that my week home with my family is coming to a close. We didn’t accomplish much beyond celebrating Christmas and falling asleep long before midnight on New Years Eve. But I am more than at peace with that! We played, we laughed, we snuggled and we enjoyed each other fully.

Just being in my home with my amazing husband and my beautiful, sweet baby boy and our two pestering cats was pure joy, all I ever wanted. The mundane every day activities of doing laundry, getting the dishes from the sink to the dishwasher, planning our meals and spending hours throwing balls back and forth (my sons favorite past time) was a beautiful escape.

From our otherwise hectic reality of balancing child care, working from home with my son in tow or in the office without seeing my son all day, getting dinner on the table at a reasonable hour and managing to find real quality time together.

So I now sink into a state of depression as we have to re enter that reality. I’ve already cried once at this mornings breakfast as my husband brought up our “plan” for the week. I spent 10 years prior to marriage trying to get him to make a plan and now it’s like a dirty word I cringe at!

In the grand sense my life is beautiful and perfect. My husband is an amazing, loving, sensitive man who cares for our family in ways a woman can only dream of. My son is curious, smart, sweet and gentle, his snuggles melt my heart and the sight of his every discovery brings pure joy to my life. We have a beautiful house that we spent a year and a half searching for. We both have wonderful families that support us at every turn.

So where is this conflict, this fight, this empty spot in me seeded? The extreme level of guilt I have even admitting this makes me cringe. I’m not a spoiled brat who gets everything she wants. I don’t expect to be pampered or taken care of. I like being part of an equal partnership relationship. It feels do wrong to say I feel this but I know it’s the truth.

I’ve tried loosing weight and although I could do better, that did not fill me with satisfaction even when I was marginally successful. I’ve tried cooking healthier for my family and working toward detoxing our house hold of chemicals to make it the safest environment possible. And although I find satisfaction in this and I continue to strive toward being better in this realm it did not fill that ache. Could it be that I just want be a stay at home mom. I thought that was it because I’m my happiest when I’m with my son. But even then I yearn to create and accomplish. Not to mention I really enjoy contributing to our families success.

That’s it though I want to CREATE, I want the joy of bringing something to life that I feel passionate about.

I ran your traditional route of high school straight into college. I had no idea who I was, what I wanted to be. I knew I needed to play it safe though because my family didn’t have money for me to screw this up, take a year off to travel or discover myself, or go back for a second degree. So I got a generic degree in communications, that you could use doing almost anything. I took the first job I was offered and when that company began to self implode I moved to the next first job I was offered. Neither field anything I sought out of interest or excitement. I’ve been able to be relatively successful but I’ve hit a wall. I can’t find passion in something I don’t care about anymore.

I blame my son in a good way. I have so much passion for him and the example I want to set for him. I don’t want him to see a mom whose attached to her computer doing something that she hates to just bring in money. I don’t want to set the example of you just do what ever work you have to, to get a pay check. Everyone should be able to do something that makes them happy and I want my son to strive toward that so why shouldn’t he see me do that.

I blame my husband too. Though it’s taken him a while to get there. Taking us on an 11 year journey to marriage, I like to bust his balls in this one. He has be persistent to follow his dreams. He’s never sold out on himself and the path he chose. He explored, found a passion and made it his career path. He has rough days but he loves what he does.

I have a few goals for our house this year. Pursue more clean eating, continue our war on chemicals, get my son to speak and dare I say potty train him, maybe even start planning for a sibling for my little angel. But in between all that I need to find my passion and start perusing that. First for me but also for the health and well being of our family.

How am I going to do this? Good question. After little man is in bed tonight I will start step one of identifying my passions. My journey to discover what I want to be when I grow up will begin here. Have you gone through this? Do you have tips on this process? Can a 36 year old mom and wife who’s house depends on her salary make this type of change? I guess we’ll find out because here I go! XO