AN OPEN LETTER TO THE INTERNATIONAL COMMUNITY FROM THE “DOMESTICATED” COMMUNITY

Kazi Najib Ashraf

Dear Big Brothers of the International Community (IC),

Greetings from the backyard of the non International, domestic and domesticated community. Being your humble subject I am writing this blog using a DELL computer connected to a LinkSys router, I am wearing a DIESEL jeans and an American Eagle T Shirt. My Iphone 6S+ is spluttering WhatsApp messages and distracting me from this noble deed that I am currently indulged in. I am also wearing my comfortable NIKEsneakers. I had a delicious WENDY’s burger for lunch today and came home in my TOYOTA in the evening. I just bought myself a nice BMW Mountain Bike making sure that my neighbors turn blue and red in envy. Brother (IC), let me get a bit personal as well; you see I use a COLGATE toothpaste and toothbrush, Use Dove Soap and aHeads and Shoulders Shampoo to clean myself. You see I can’t even go to the toilet without using a product of one of your gracious organizations. My kids love theLiverpool Football team without having set foot in the city ever in their lives, they even fight at times on the performance. I have no idea how an association with an unknown team works but I guess I am already an old school now. You see Brother IC, I can assure you that even the toilet roll that is used in this ‘domesticated’ community is manufactured by one of your machines as we produce virtually nothing except top tier professionals to serve your interests. Our dream is to somehow remit our hard earned earnings to your educational institutions so our pedigree can get ‘highly educated’ and return back to the domestic quarters to work in your fancy multinational. We are and would always be at your service sir.

We are also honored to have an abundance of precious commodities oozing out of our feet so you can just come over and take it from us; we are actually delighted to be of service at all times and would simply give it away without a pretext. There is no need for you to feel bad and create any alibi’s, just send in those nice red supertankers and just whisk it all away. Trust me we will even come to the shores to wish you all the best for the journeys.

There are other products such as fish, livestock, precious metals all waiting for you to be taken and adorned by the ‘civilized individuals’ so we won’t bother you at all. We will guide you to the locations of interest in case you have missed any of these through your advanced satellite imagery.

However, I would like to clarify a few fine points here. Our idea of an ocean cruise is not exactly as you can see in the picture below.

Although this boat might have also come from one of your factories but I can assure you that no one here was enjoying the ride and there are quite a few of these again venturing in your waters. No one’s having fun here no matter how you see it. The journey is quite jumpy and uncomfortable without an opera or concerts and the fellow passengers here are quite agitated. In an ideal situation these people would have preferred to stay ‘domesticated’ and not come and spoil your peace but the daily disturbances like that of their homes being blown to smithereens push them to take these extreme measures.

I have a nice photo of the homes of a few of these people in order for you to asses whether its best for them to stay here.

or if somehow they get lucky then some resorts like these await them for an undisclosed timed vacation. Please don’s think of me as a complaining whiner but the place is as bad as the cruise.

So dear Brother IC, I want to assure you that we love democracy and no matter where we are we would hold on to your values of “Freedom” and the regard of “Human Rights”. We are the barbarians and appreciate your regular sermons for upholding the virtues of “Free Speech”. We will and have always been taking your message to the far flung outbacks and that’s the reason that we have forced our dum intellectuals to ensure that there is no indigenous scientific and cultural progress. We await your movie and music awards as our own and the only local movies considered successful are copies of your great releases.

With this detailed briefing may I request you to kindly consider a few requests from this humble subject of yours.

  1. We love democracy but unfortunately have the same love and compassion for our children atleast as that of some animals in your community. I know your views and stand on animal rights so would you please not send these items causing collateral damage where we keep losing our loved ones. We lose our limbs and kids and would like to assure you that this causes some unnecessary frustration in our immature youth.
  2. We love democracy and in case you have to meet the targets for the sale of the heavy equipment required to rebuild the broken buildings then please let us know in advance. We will demolish these buildings ourselves and buy all the machinery that’s rusting in your junk yards. We just want to make sure that our kids aren’t getting hurt.
  3. We love democracy but also have a speck of self respect left within us. Trust me its almost all gone but it would do you a great service if you let it be for some time. You see that people without self respect are usually called criminals in our part of the world. I am sure that they do not exist in your region as freedom and prosperity touches every nook and corner of the “Free World of the International Community”.
  4. We love democracy but also get hungry at times; especially when we go without food for days and weeks when the iron raindrops and hailstorm hits us from every direction. Again, no one ever goes hungry in your world as you have resolved the issues of medicare and poverty from coast to coast. A hungry person is a fool to be reckon with.
  5. We love democracy but also like to live but in case over population bothers you for the lack of natural resources then we would find humane ways of refusing our kind. Just let you know of the quota that you need to be eradicated and leave the rest to us. If we have already done so much then we will achieve the rest of the targets as well.

In the end please let us know exactly the products and targets for the fiscal year 2017 and leave the rest to us. We will make you proud.

Long Live the International Community, Long Live Freedom.

masomo@eim.ae & kazinajibashraf.com

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