There is a certain safety in writing when expressing one’s feelings. For one, we can be deliberate, not off the cuff. We can reason in our minds what we want to express rather than reacting to the moment. Another, most interactions with people in the real world don’t elicit soul bearing. I, for example, am introvert and extrovert. I can switch roles depending on the topic at hand. In personal writing, I can bare my soul, but rarely do. What I do though is bare my opinions — liberally. But I do so with a degree of respect for opposing views. The trolls, I ignore.
We will never meet and I appreciate your putting yourself out there, showing your vulnerability, contemplating why you do or don’t do what you do isn’t easy and shows a thoughtfulness that will transcend your being guarded. Sharing it brings out an awareness in yourself that will prompt you to make efforts to be forthcoming with friends in person and eventually move into a realm you would consider normal, to which, years from now you will read your post and think, I don’t know why I was ever like that.