It wasn’t my first trip to Germany. I knew that I’d be eating lots of bread and potatoes. The last trip I’d had to resort to Dulcolax, which left me feeling like I was on some kind of acid trip. Not fun.

Of course I’m single and shop at Costco and end up with vast quantities of stuff. One item is Benefiber. No, I’d never noticed that it looks like cocaine, even after I decanted some into a baggie for this trip to Germany. This was 2006 and pre-”Breaking Bad”. My mom was a cop, I never even thought about doing drugs. I had better things to spend my money on.

When I was pulled aside in customs at Berlin’s Tegel Airport, I was miffed that I was being singled out for some random, very-thorough bag check.

They put my bag on an operating table, opened it and there’s this Baggie of Benefiber sitting right on top. I was in the company of two policemen, two people in full lab gear, this guy who should be in a James Bond movie. They asked what was in the Baggie, and I said “it’s Benefiber, a laxative”. I didn’t say “do you think I would be stupid enough as to lay a half of a bag of coke on top of my clothes?”.

They went ahead and tested it anyway. They pulled apart a sterilized lab kit, which looked quite expensive. They continued to look through my clothes and pulled out 3 Apple “Shuffles” and a huge bag of Skittles.

The suit asked me if I planned on selling the “Shuffles”, as I guess I looked like the type who would carry such contraband. I said “no, they are gifts, Sir”. He asked for whom. “One for the guy I met on the internet, one for an Italian woman friend and one for my daughter, Sir”. He didn’t look pleased.

Then the first test came up negative. Everyone was unhappy and incredulous. If the people weren’t acting with such an authoritarian manner, I may have started laughing. They ripped open another sterilized lab kit.

I told the the suit the problems I had with constipation in Germany. But that it was a “good” constipation, because it was caused by all the delicious breads, pastries and potatoes. My attempt to charm him failed.

Another five minutes and the second lab result came up negative. I was beginning to feel guilty that they were wasting so much time and money on those disposable lab tests.

They asked if they could keep the Benefiber for further testing. I said sure. I didn’t say “I think you need it”. They let me go, and I found my internet date. He asked what took so long. I said, don’t ask. He was wearing a pink silk ensemble he had made himself. I kind of groaned and thought of Cabaret.