“Paranoia beyond belief”

I just don’t know or remember. It was in math class this morning, where I came across a wonderful idea/goal to live by, which I had been doing for so long, but this one was so euphoric, condensed and perfect to let it just slip by in my mind. It was a summary of genuinely caring about the work I did, studying, doing my own thing and basically following my dreams. I remember sitting down, passing time as I usually do when I get to this campus because of all the facades and consumerism. The different thing this time was, when the “major four”, well the first two walked it, I recessed into my mind as usually do, but as they sat my mind said something along the lines of “focusing on appreciating studying, life, listening to myself, but instead of doing it to impress them, actually trying outside the classroom”. Now all my focus, anger and regret are focused on that one condensed delicious thought. I hate it and yet want it so badly to come back to me so I don’t have to regret my day b/c it was wasted on passing by. It was a beautiful condensation on all my struggles lost in moment. It’s like I was finally okay with accepting my values and who I am and just plain ol’ not giving an F. Even the experience of dropping my 5 dollar meal in public isn’t as terrible as trying to remembering the thought. All I can hear from is “Express yourself, live every moment exactly how you want to and be who you wanna be without letting anyone limiting it”. Why is this so goddamn hard? I just feel like when I express myself to a certain degree people take notice, which in turn makes me feel more insecure because I get sneers and stares because I can do it better than most. That I’m not conformed to the same bullshit and stupid ass stigmas they’re always caught up in. IT’S SO FUCKING TIRING TO DEAL WITH THIS ALL THE TIME TO EVENTUALLY END UP REGRETTING THAT I DID CONFORM JUST SO THESE FUCKERS WOULDN’T NOTICE ME. When did society turn so ugly where I am not even allowed to be traditionally good person, with fantastic and honest qualities, without being scrutinized. But He does remind us of the inevitable deterioration of Islam and humans that lose their humanity. At this current moment I am calm, unhappy and unsatisfied, maybe the only person to blame for my own problems is me. I would never dream of stepping over anyone to accomplish my dreams, but asking the rest of the world to allow me to express myself doesn’t seem like i’m asking for too much. Or maybe it is? Wow I never would have imagined such a relief from writing this long ass paragraph. I don’t know what I feel anymore anyways….