Sometimes your thoughts won’t make any sense and that’s okay.
I like to think that I’m sometimes the only person in this whole big world. It’s one of the most freeing and at the same time, lonely moments there are.
At my end high-school party, I got pretty drunk. That was, of course, not the plan (as it usually isn’t). For some reason, on that night, my ex and the girl I was dating at the time both arrived. I did not add that to my party calculations. I thought I had lost my feelings for my ex, but when I saw her, my heart jumped. That was not the feeling I was looking for.
Nevertheless, it was there, messing with my head. My mind was confused, and my heart was confused. I was completely and utterly confused.
I looked at my friend and just said one word: “Fuck.”
He knew what was going on just by looking in my drunk broken eyes. Every single time I looked at him, all I could do was nervously laugh. The effects of the alcohol only pushed my feelings closer to the surface. Each time I looked those two girls in the eyes, I, on the one hand, wanted to run as far away as possible and, on the other, keep staring into their beautiful lovely soul I adored so much.
I soon realized that if I stayed there for a bit longer, I’d make a mistake I could never take back. So I looked at my friend and told him if we could leave. He only smiled back at me, and we left. He knew what was going on the whole night, and the entire scenario was just funny to him (in all honesty, it was a bit funny to me but terrifying as well, on the other hand).
He drove me home, and when I got out of the car, I just took a deep breath and relaxed. I laid myself down on the grass and looked at the stars in that clear night sky. They were shaking and spinning in my eyes, but at that exact moment, I felt peace. The kind of peace that you don’t often experience. I must’ve been lying there for at least half an hour, taking in the beauty of nothingness.
For that half an hour, I was the only being in the whole damn universe. Not a single worry troubled my mind. Even though nothing made sense at that moment, I didn’t care. I cared about nothing, not myself, not anyone, not anything.
One thought somehow breached my void of nothingness. I had just finished high school. I had the idea that I’d feel a sense of pride for that. But there was nothing. I felt nothing — no sadness for closing a chapter in my life, no happiness either.
After that, a whole waterfall of thoughts rushed through my mind.
“If I’m not happy with this, then how can I be happy about anything?”
“A new chapter of my life is beginning. What challenges will I face?”
“Will I ever be happy with my accomplishments?”
As I wondered about answers to those questions, I realized one thing. I felt nothing because I expected nothing. Finishing high school was not even a goal for me. I couldn’t care less about it because I already felt like I was done with it when I started it.
At that time, I had other goals in mind.
To run a trail-running ultramarathon.
To travel the world.
To open a business.
Those were my goals. I already saw the finish line with all of them.
And after that night, when I was lying on the grass, the finish line scared me. What if I felt nothing after reaching it?
In the beginning, I wanted to do a 100 km trail run, but a month before the race, I was still in no shape to run even a 50 km one. So a friend I ran this ultra-marathon with and I decided to go with the second option.
After a little less than a month of training, we were standing and warming up among hundreds of people on the start. I tried to stay calm, but I was scared shitless because, well as one, I’ve never run more than 30 km. This could have been the first thing primary goal I’ve failed at.
As the referee shot the gun, I felt a sudden lump in my throat. My legs started moving — one in front of the other. Adrenaline had finally kicked in. The first few kilometers were as scary as they get. The thoughts of not being good enough to get to the finish line and being under-prepared were the only ones flowing through my mind.
When we reached the first checkpoint, I finally realized that the whole race was in my head. I couldn’t give up. I wasn’t ready to. I felt the joy of crossing the finish line. And for that reason, I couldn’t let myself down.
I kept going. From that first checkpoint on, I knew I would finish the race. I could not care less about the race at that point. I started enjoying the journey. My heart rate dropped to around 130, and I was in the zone. I kept going at a steady pace until a few kilometers before the finish line, and I twisted my ankle.
Anger and sadness captured my mind. I thought I didn’t deserve it. I thought about how unlucky I was. I sat down on the ground for a few minutes and scrolled through my emotions and thoughts. Everything sucked. Yet there was a small silent part of me that kept saying, “Get up, you’re not done yet.”
I slowly got up. I made the conscious decision that I was going to finish what I started. I made a step forward. And another one. And another one. I somehow started running. My pain vanished. All I felt was the rage and sadness transcending into a power I had not yet known — the power of not giving up in your most challenging moment. My disappointed face transformed into a happy face. I was ready to finish.
Each step I made carried a unique piece of power that only added to my will to cross the finish line.
The last few hundred meters, I ran like never before. I thought I was flying.
I soon saw my friends waiting for me at the finish line. I did it. Here was the exact opposite feeling of the one I felt back when I was lying on the grass and looking at the stars. I felt everything.
When I got back home and fell asleep, only one thought crossed my mind: “I made it. I actually made it… and this is the feeling I was missing.”
“A goal is not always meant to be reached, it often serves simply as something to aim at.”
― Bruce Lee
Thank you for reading this short article! If you liked the idea I presented today, feel free to share it with somebody, and as always, have a great rest of the day.
