Who do you want to be when you grow up?
My life has always been a wave consisting of ups & downs, no matter my goal. I could have been in the best headspace ever, imagining my future as rainbows and sunflowers, growing in the beautiful green fields.
I’ve always had a plan. A vision of who I could be — an image of the so-called “perfect” life.
In fourth grade, we were asked a question that I could still hardly be able to answer.
“Who do you want to be when you grow up?”
A simple yet so damn complicated question. How can a ten-year-old child that still didn’t quite figure out how to peel an apple possibly answer that question?
“I want to be a doctor.” said a kid sitting next to me. Back then, I thought that was a good answer. My young mind saw the profession of a doctor as somebody being paid lots of money they can help a person. Sounds perfect, right?
As I said, I thought that this was a good answer.
But is there ever a good answer to this question when you’re a child? Even as adults, we struggle to find an answer to it. Why, you might think?
Because who we want to be and who we are can be two very different things. When you reach a certain age, you realize that maybe you can’t be who you always wanted to be.
Do you want to become a writer? Write.
Do you want to become a painter? Paint.
Do you want to become a software developer? Develop.
Do you even know who you want to be? Maybe not.
I’m pretty sure that even I have not yet found the answer to that. I mean, it’s hard to find an answer when your mother wants you to be a doctor, your friends expect you to be a software developer, your grandma wants you to own her farm, etc.
As young adults, we can sometimes feel the pressure of everyone, expecting us to become somebody we maybe don’t even want to become. We follow a red line prescribed to us like medicine to protect us. I’ve been terrified of it for a few years now. I never saw myself following the line, following the crowd of shadows I couldn’t recognize.
This year, there was a moment when I was expected to sign up for a university. I didn’t do it. There was a part of me that wanted to become a psychologist. Maybe it was a lie, simply a puzzle piece of the red line that I saw myself following.
Then a few months passed. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw somebody else. Not a person with the purpose of becoming a successful psychologist, but a nobody. A soul, lost in the world, still looking for a meaning. I was lost. I kept questioning myself as to why. It was the end of my false dream.
About two months later, I found a job as a software developer. That was back at the start of May, about a month before my so-called SATs. It was never my dream to become a software developer. I have no idea what my dream ever was. Yet there I was, earning my own money, doing something I was skilled at.
It wasn’t easy having a really important job while attending high school. I thought I didn’t belong there. A misfit, an outcast. It was a feeling that was always there, hiding in the depths of my mind, deep inside my heart.
A few months went by, and it was already the end of August. My parents still wanted me to enroll in a university program, so I did.. so that I could say to myself that I didn’t miss out on anything.
A week later, I was alone on a plane to Portugal. I have finally decided to let myself grow. To meet new people. My anxiety had peaked, and I thought it was time to explore the world a bit.. so I did. I’ve embarked on a month-long, solo trip around Portugal (a story for another day), where I’ve tried to find people like myself. People are running away from the status quo, trying to find themselves. And lucky for me, there were many —extraordinary, unique, beautiful people whom I will always cherish in my heart.
After the best month of my life, I finally returned home. A week later, my first days of university final began. I felt nothing. No excitement. No fear. From the first moment I stepped on the university ground, I knew that I would quit. And I did. After two weeks, I’ve stopped attending.
I cut the red line.
It was the scariest yet the best feeling in the world.
It has been about a month since that day now, and even though it still feels quite terrifying at times, I believe that this is the best decision of my life. In my defense, I can learn everything on the all-mighty Google after all.
I’m finally starting to accept myself. That’s all we can do. I have always followed my principles, and I always will. If something doesn’t feel right in my gut, I don’t do it. I think listening to our gut feeling is necessary, and we should never, ever do something for the sake of others. Always think of yourself, of your mental health.
Others often think they know what’s best for us, but that’s not always the truth.
Only we know what’s best for us.
So don’t let others tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. If you want to do it, say fuck it and do it. Nobody can stop you when you put your mind to it.
So, no, I’m not doing what I want to do because I have no idea what I want to do. But I’m here. Creating my own path, by my own rules.
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” — Bernard M. Baruch
Thank you for reading this article. I’d be happy to hear your thoughts on the topic of becoming somebody who you always wanted to be and how that translates to the present you live in.
“Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!” — Dr. Seuss
