Many People Think I’m About to Explode
It’s a peculiar thing, being perceived as a ticking time bomb by those closest to you. Yes, occasionally I shout — maybe thrice a year — and I often catch myself swallowing my anger when adversity strikes. On the surface, and most of the time, I’m all smiles, cracking jokes, hugging my dog, and doing unsolicited favors. Despite this, the people in my life tiptoe around me, as if I’m made of Nitroglycerin that could explode at the slightest touch. They see not a man, but a monster lurking beneath the facade, a terrible entity in need of therapy. I’m sure they think of my father who did a four year stretch in federal prison. I can’t blame them. He wasn’t great.
Anyway, this perception about me seems to have intensified since I had a massive brain tumor removed in 2013. Is this wariness from others a result of that ordeal? I can’t be certain. But I am aware of the demon within me. He is indeed terrible. Yet, I am also aware that I manage to keep him at bay. I monitor my thoughts and ensure that my actions remain positive. When they falter, I strive to keep the consequences minimal.
However, these eggshells on which others tread are not without reason. There is a part of me that aligns with their fears. I am a determinist, a person who has been told repeatedly that therapy is essential. They say I am not good enough in my current state, yet I am resistant to change.
Moreover, as the world grows increasingly harsh, I sometimes fear that I might need to rely more on my vicious instincts in the not-too-distant future. This inner conflict, coupled with external perceptions, places me in a precarious balance, struggling between self-control and the freedom to let my darker side emerge.
In the end, I am just a dude living on a tightrope, fully aware of the depths below and the fragile line I walk above. The question remains, will I continue to keep the balance, or will the world’s pushing and prodding eventually tip me over? Only time will tell, but for now, I continue to walk, cautiously, ever aware of the eggshells beneath my feet.
