Artist’s Rendering of Donald John Trump’s Image of Himself

“Trump” — Season 1, Episode 3 Recap — — “Ban non-Steve(s)”

The nation mourns the Bowling Green Massacre, in which a pair of extreme Iraqi American Buckeyes fans praised the solid fundamentals and radical execution of Ohio State against an overmatched Division I rival.

Tonight’s episode begins with wide angle shots of the nation’s airports, which are packed with the by now familiar sight of throngs of “professional anarchists, thugs and paid protesters,” all funded by the vast sums of dark, unaccountable money that the Citizens United decision had said more properly belonged in the electoral process. Trump scoffs as he flips through the channels of all the fake news media outlets, shouting at the screen, “If you want something to protest, you should protest the dismal ratings that Schwarzenegger is getting for The Apprentice.” A light bulb goes off in the president’s head, and he quickly scribbles some notes under the caption “Appropriate Topics for National Prayer Breakfast.”

In a brief flashback, we see Trump giving the green light to the first step of Minister of Propaganda Steph (pronounced like the Golden State Warriors’ superstar’s name) Bannon’s pet project, code named “Make America Great Again — You Know What I Mean.” If the ban on muslims could just gain a toehold, Bannon tells the president, it would only be a matter of time before immigration to the United States would be limited to Eastern European supermodels.

Meanwhile, fan favorite Kellyanne Conway returns to the limelight to defend the president’s executive order by pointing to one of the darkest chapters in Ohio’s history. She laments the lack of mainstream media coverage of the 2016 Bowling Green Massacre, in which 2 Iraqi American college students, described by classmates as “extreme” Buckeyes fans, were heard to be yelling “God [this] is great!” as the Ohio State offense, displaying solid “fundamentals,” employed an unconventional, “radical” shotgun formation on 4th and 20 with just under a minute left in regulation, to lob a suicidal bomb deep into Falcons’ territory. The 77-point bloodbath was the worst tragedy of its kind since the 2014 Belo Horizonte Blitzkrieg, in which a highly trained German strike force slaughtered 11 defenseless Brazilian men on live television as millions watched in horror, leaving the entire World Cup host nation in mourning.

The “B” story covers the second step of Bannon’s master plan, which, in conjunction with House Alt-White, is set in motion when the White House issues a statement denying the existence of International Holocaust Remembrance Day. Following a stern rebuke from US Ambassador to the United Nations Nikki Haley, who was on a short break from taking names, the president tweets: “Everyone suffered during the holocaust. Sad! #AllLivesMatter.” After an enormous outcry, the White House issues the final word on this subject:

It is with a heavy heart and somber mind that we remember and honor the victims, survivors, heroes of the Holocaust. It is impossible to fully fathom the depravity and horror inflicted on innocent people by Nazi terror. But I’m going to spend the next 4 years trying to get you to experience it firsthand right here in America!”

Bannon agrees to a rare interview just to address this topic, but as the Lügenpresse unfairly shift their questions to Bannon’s qualifications to sit on the National Security Council, he turns his back to the room of journalists, removes his pants, grabs his butt cheeks, and flaps them in a curious display of ventriloquism. “The media should be embarrassed and humiliated and keep its mouth shut,” he pantomimes with his Rubenesque posterior before shuffling out of the briefing room with his pants still around his ankles. Back in his office, he proceeds to binge watch Amazon’s The Man in the High Castle and root for the hero of the series, Obergruppenführer John Smith.

The “muslim ban” storyline continues with an interesting, if unexpected, crossover with the Star Wars universe. You may have read that Rogue One: A Star Wars Story underwent extensive rewriting and reshooting to incorporate anti-Trump themes. The results of those efforts are on display in what is essentially a long take alternate ending to Rogue One, which follows the further exploits of former imperial pilot Bodhi Rook (played again by the brilliant Riz Ahmed), who narrowly escapes from the tropical base on Scarif to seek refuge on earth, but is detained by the Customs and Border Patrol at JFK. Unable to produce documentation of his planet of origin, Rook is denied admission to the United States and transferred indefinitely to Rikers Island, where he changes his name to Nasir Khan and befriends Omar from The Wire.

The episode closes with a conversation between Trump and Bannon, who are reviewing the progress of their agenda. With most of the pieces falling into place, the pair feel confident that their coup will succeed. Suddenly, Trump’s features cloud over as he expresses his concern about the potential challenge posed by political upstart Frederick Douglass, “who is being recognized more and more,” and who he fears could lock up the zombie, time traveler, and poltergeist vote that had eluded Hillary Clinton. “There was no mention of this Douglass in the alternative fax,” Trump stews. “Stay focused,” coos Bannon as he strokes the president’s mane, “the Muslims and Jews are just the beginning, and we’ve already got the LGBT community believing that we support them just because you didn’t issue that executive order on rolling back the workplace protections that Obama put in place. Everything is going according to plan.”

The camera cuts to a view of Red Square from the Kremlin, where a mysterious figure sits with his back to us. A man straight from Soviet central casting approaches and says in English, for some reason, “Everything is going according to plan.” “Xорошо,” comes the response.

First published on February 4, 2017.