Two Ways You’re Probably Sabotaging Your Goals Without Realizing It

I have a friend who came to me recently and said:

I’ve been waiting for this person to text me to hang out all day, and she finally did at the end of the day, but now I’m upset. What should I tell her?

Well here’s the thing: My belief is that if someone does finally do what you wanted them to do (in this case be communicative), then by chastising them or making them feel bad, you’re inadvertently creating a negative feedback loop around positive behavior.

Has it ever happened to you that you forgot to call your parents for a while, and then when you do they guilt you and back you feel bad? How does that make you feel? It probably makes you want to call them even less.

But then how do you call out the behavior that happened before? How do you let someone know that the prior behavior wasn’t okay?

Well for one thing, conversations like this usually go over better in person.

You want to first respond positively and be appreciative of the fact that the person did something good, but then eventually make space for that conversation around giving feedback and sharing how you felt about their behavior.

Now, it’s OKAY to express how you feel, as long as you’re respectful and honest, no one can fault you for that.

It just depends on what outcome you’re looking for. Are you trying to get your point across and feel better? Are you maybe trying to make the other person suffer or feel a little bit bad (think about that for a while)? Or do you actually want some other outcome, like a positive and healthy relationship with this person moving forward?

On The Other Hand

I also often see people do the opposite with themselves: positively reinforcing negative behavior.

Such as when you want to go to the gym, but you stay in and watch Netflix or eating junk food instead.

In this case, you’re doing something bad but you’re reinforcing it by rewarding yourself with things that feel good (entertainment or food). That’s doubly bad.

The Upshot

Be very careful about how you react when positive or negative behavior happens (either in yourself or others). What do you do next? Do you reinforce it?

One of the best books I’ve ever read on this topic is The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg. Highly recommend it.

Do you agree or disagree? I’d love to hear how this might apply to your life.