I wrote this on 8/11/18

I don’t necessarily want to use this often, but writing is such a rehab for me that I will absolutely go to this format to vomit words out to share my thoughts when needed. This is one of those times.

Tonight a man took a plane from SeaTac, by himself. He flew that plane around, did some sick stunts, flew that shit into the ground, dead. Elaborate, dramatic, successful suicide. (Was seriously scary for a bit, you never can tell what’s going on, he could have hurt/killed thousands with that plane, etc, I don’t need to recap all this.)

I think the brainspace I need to evacuate out is (first) that it’s amazing that people react in a way that is supportive. All my feeds and messages were filled with “if you need help, reach out to these resources”, and the thought and intent behind those reactions is amazing. People do care. My problem is these same responses (here we go, second) just don’t apply in many cases, and it’s frustrating to see them sent out as if it’s a universal fix. It is so important that people know that these avenues do exist, that there does exist an avenue for you to reach out, talk through issues you may be having that would lead you down the suicide path. Spoiler alert: they do know. Nobody ends their own life thinking “well if only someone tweeted that 800 number at me”. To shout that advice when you haven’t been there, and then feel good that you made a difference today…I mean, stop. I’m standing on the bridge, I’m looking down the barrel, I’m flying a stolen airplane…I will never think “if only someone had tweeted an 800 number”.

I guess the point here is that I am going to kill myself for sure. I have zero interest in being on some life support or fighting whatever thing is killing me when I am dying, I’m not that important. Before some THING takes me out, I’m just going to find some good way to do it myself. The general reaction to this dude in the plane (Rich) is sadness and pity, and I’m just not sure that’s necessarily the thing to do here. This guy committed an amazing, elaborate suicide, and he was pretty damn honest the entire time in communication, and he didn’t sound mentally ill — he sounded done. He sounded like a guy who was no longer interested in this shit. He made damn sure he hurt nobody else. He did a sweet flip. My reaction is closer to jealousy than pity. I mean obviously he occupied resources and delayed flights and all manner of inconveniences for us idiots, but in the end he stole a plane, did a fucking flip, and ended it all. It’s a super appealing way to go out.

I can’t at all speak with any certainty for him, obviously. I don’t know where his head was, I don’t know if he could have been helped. I just know that not everyone CAN be helped, and more importantly — not everyone WANTS to be helped. You steal a plane and get it in the air and have no idea how to land. You KNOW you ain’t living to see tomorrow. The choice has been made, you don’t want to be an alive human, go big.

Long-winded way to say…maybe it’s okay to opt out of this shit. And hopefully do it in a way people remember. This all just strikes me as a purposeful plan, and if it were me, I wouldn’t want your sadness or pity.

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