Losing my way

It’s been a hard couple of weeks. With this persistent feeling of déjà vu. Colleagues I trusted and believed to be my friends turned out to be foes. Or not as honest as expected. Or maybe too honest about me but not directly to me. There is this moment when you realise that your perception of reality and reality itself are completely disconnected. A little Truman show where everything is fake.

Of course I allowed it to happen. I thought I could think that work was pointless without making it pointless. I thought that people and relationships were what mattered in life and that everything else was secondary. I thought that I could chose my reality, safely believing that people would be happy to be part of it.

One of the lessons I draw from this is to chose my external anchors carefully. My strong beliefs. Questioning everything that I know is such an exciting activity but it comes with its dangers. My beliefs change all the time, according to new evidence, influential writers and my personal situation. Like becoming a father, discovering a new work culture or reading Dale Carnegie's influential book. Often I will be tempted to clean the slate and start anew according to newly discovered principles, only to sometimes forget about those principles later.

People experience the same world very differently depending on their beliefs and their reference points. People also change all the time, physically and mentally. And we are desperately trying to make sense of a world we don't understand and do not control. With this many moving parts, sometimes nothing will make sense anymore. It will happen. A reconciliation is needed, either a complete overall or minute changes. Maybe bringing back some discarded beliefs that were more important than expected. Maybe discarding some new beliefs that proved difficult to integrate or simply wrong.

If I had to chose one core belief, I would chose resilience. Not giving up, even when unsure about the direction or the circumstances. No matter how hard. There are things that we do because we have to, because if we don't do them everything else collapses. It does make sense to become very good at doing those: being a knowledgeable, sought-after professional and being influential and loved.

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