The Trump Who Stole Equality by Matthew Langdon Cost

Matt Cost
Matt Cost
Sep 6, 2018 · 8 min read

Every one in USville was doing well and happy with their lot,

But the Trump who lived in a castle in the sky was not!

The Trump hated any happiness that was not his own in any season!

Now please do not ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

It could be, perhaps, that his hands were too small.

It could be that his parents didn’t love him at all,

But I think the most likely reason of all

May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

But, whatever the reason, his heart or his hands,

He sat upon his throne hating US with all of his brands!

Staring down from his castle with a pouty, Trumpy lip

At the warm camaraderie between US in partnership,

For he knew all of US were helping each other along,

Whether female or male, black or white — on their lips was a song,

Celebrating immigrants old and new, and even the first,

Together, each and every one of US could take the worst.

Then he growled, with his small Trump fingers nervously drumming,

“I must find some way to keep a new age from coming!

For, tomorrow, I know all the US men and women

Will wake up all together with a smile as freemen!

And then! Oh, they’ll want more! More! More! More!

There’s one thing I hate! To give more! More! More!

And they’ll shriek squeaks and squeals, racing ‘round on their wheels.
They’ll dance with jingtinglers tied onto their heels.
They’ll blow their floofloovers. They’ll bang their tartookas.
They’ll blow their whohoopers. They’ll bang their gardookas.
They’ll spin their trumtookas. They’ll slam their slooslunkas.
They’ll beat their blumbloopas. They’ll wham their whowonkas.
And they’ll play noisy games like zoozittacarzay,
A roller-skate type of lacrosse and croquet!
And then they’ll make ear-splitting noises galooks

On their great big electro whocarnio flooks!

Then all of the US, black, white, female, and male will decide to vote!

And they’ll vote! And they’ll vote. And they’ll vote! Vote! Vote! Vote!

They’ll vote for blacks, homosexuals, and even brown immigrants,

Brown immigrants are the ones that I think are the hugest deviants!

And then they’ll do something I hate most of all!

All of the US in USville, the tall and the small,

They’ll stand close together, black, white, female, and male.

They’ll stand hand-in-hand, and those of US will begin to prevail!”

Fahoo forays, dahoo dorays

Welcome all! Even those gone astray

Fahoo forays, dahoo dorays

Welcome all! Each and every day

Welcome, welcome, fahoo ramus

Welcome, welcome, hahoo damus

Equality is within our grasp

So long as we have hands to clasp

Fahoo forays, dahoo dorays…

“And then they’ll clap and cheer! Clap and cheer!

And the more Trump thought of this good cheer,

The more Trump thought, “This I must smear!

Why for seventy years I’ve put up with it now!

I must stop equality from coming! But how?”

Then he got an idea! An awful idea!

The Trump got a wonderful, awful idea!

“I know what to do!” The Trump laughed in his throat.

“I’ll become a candidate that they cannot outvote.”

And he chuckled, and clucked, “What a great trumpy trick!

With a few lies and help of the Russians I will become Realpolitik!”

You’re a mean one, Mr. Trump. You really are a heel.
You’re as cuddly as a cactus. You’re as charming as an eel.
Mr. Trump! You’re a bad banana with a greasy black peel!

You’re a monster, Mr. Trump. Your heart’s an empty hole.
Your brain is full of spiders. You’ve got garlic in your soul.
Mr. Trump I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole!

“All I need is a vice-president.” The Trump looked around.

But since his ideas were vile, there were none to be found.

Did that stop the Trump? Hah! The Trump simply said,

“If I can’t find a vice-president, I’ll make one instead!”

So to this man Mike, he sent several black Russians,

Who told him that there would be no more discussions.

Then he gathered up his lies and his wealthy friends full of dislike,

On a ramshackle platform and he whistled for Mike.

Then the Trump said, “Let’s make America Great Again”,

And with a smile he promised to pardon a racist lawman,

All their windows were dark. No one knew he was there.
All of US were all dreaming sweet dreams without care
When he came to the first town hall square.

“This is step number one,” the old Trumpy candidate hissed,

Telling his supporters to strike those that didn’t agree with their fists.

And then he began to spread his lies, which came all too easy.

But if Judas could do it, then he could be just as sleazy.

He floundered just once, and then the emails struck a note,

Make the Mexicans pay for a wall he would soon gloat!

And before he knew it he had been elected and was in charge,

“These laws,” he trumped, “are the first to go and my powers will enlarge!”

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,

Around the whole country, and offended most everybody present!

Ballyhoo to immigrants, the environment, the press, and health care!

The Mexicans, the Canadians, the Germans, and the Britt’s he threw a scare!

Just in case he missed anybody to offend he woke early to twitter,

And then every living soul but the one percent were left bitter.

You’re a vile one, President Trump. You have termites in your smile.
You have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile. President Trump!

Given the choice between the two of you I’d take the seasick crocodile!

You’re a rotter, President Trump. You’re the king of sinful sots.
Your heart’s a dead tomato splotched with moldy purple spots. President Trump! You’re a three decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce
!

Then he slunk into office. He fired James Comey for doing his job!

He fired Sally Yates! He fired Michael Flynn the poor slob!

That ass cleaned out the cabinets quick as a flash.

Why, he even threw McMaster in the trash!

Then he sat all alone in his office with glee,

“Now,” grinned the Trump, “I will find people who agree.”

As the Trump sat with glee, as he started to rub his tiny hands,

He heard a small sound like the statement of demands.

He turned around fast, and he saw a defiant US!

Porn star Stormy Daniels who was quite beauteous.

She stared at the Trump and said, “Donald, why,

Why do you not want me to speak of sex with you? Why?

But, you know, that old Trump was so smart and so slick,

He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!

“Why, my sweet and pretty girl,” the big fake lied.

“There’s your view of things and then there is my side.

So, I am going to rearrange the story, my dear.

I’ll spin it through my lawyer, and that will be all people hear.”

And his fib fooled the porn star, and he slapped her ass,

And he got her to sign a paper and told her no more sass.

And when Stormy Daniels agreed to keep quiet,

He promised his wife there would be no more women in his diet.

Then he stuck his tongue down the throat of another, the old liar.

And the last thing he groped was her breast with a promise to hire.

On the apprentice he let her go once he cooled his desire.

And the one part of her that he did not touch,

Was a part of her soul that he did not care for much!

Then he did the same thing to dozens more,

And if they complained he just called them a whore!

You nauseate me, President Trump, with a nauseous super “naus”!
You’re a crooked dirty jockey and you drive a crooked hoss.
President Trump! Your soul is an appalling dump heap overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of rubbish imaginable mangled up in tangled up knots!

You’re a foul one, Mr. Trump. You’re a nasty-wasty skunk.
Your heart is full of unwashed socks. Your soul is full of gunk. President Trump! The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote, “Stink, stank, stunk”!

It was quarter of dawn. All of US still a-bed,

All of US still a-snooze, when he picked up his head,

Tweeted lie after lie about Hillary, the Obamas, the Russians,

The size of crowds, taxes, the media, and even Jeff Sessions!

Ten thousand feet up, up the elevator of his tower,

He tweeted in his bullying and racist brand of sour!

“Pooh-pooh to US!” he was trumpily humming.

“They’re finding out now that there is no equality coming!

They’re just waking up! I know what they’ll do!

Their mouths will hang open a minute or two

Then the US’ down in USville will all cry boo-hoo!

That’s a noise,” grinned the Trump, “that I simply must hear!”

He paused, and the Trump put a hand to his ear.

And he did hear a sound rising over his golf course,

It started low, but slowly grew in force.

Fahoo forays, dahoo dorays
Welcome one and all! Come this way
Fahoo forays, dahoo dorays
Welcome Muslims, Mexicans and the Gay

Welcome, welcome, fahoo ramus
Welcome, welcome, dahoo damus
Equality is in our grasp
So long as we have hands to clasp

But this sound wasn’t sad!

Why, this sound sounded glad!

Every US down in USville, the tall and the small,

Was singing without any rights at all!

He hadn’t stopped equality from coming! It came!

Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Trump, with his trump feet small in his shoes,

Stood puzzling and puzzling. “Hadn’t they heard the news?”

It came without rights! It came without a president!

It came without laws, leadership, or even his consent!

He puzzled and puzzled til his puzzler was sore.

Then the Trump thought of something he hadn’t before.

Maybe equality, he thought, doesn’t come from a law,

Maybe equality, perhaps, was something he couldn’t withdraw!

And what happened then? Well, in USville they say

That the Trump’s heart grew three sizes that day!

But the truth is, three times none is still zero,

And there is no chance the Trump became a hero.

With his lip stuck far out he was impeached,

With the truth of equality to him still unreached.

With a pout, he was banished to his looming tower,

And no longer had the slightest bit of power.

The courts found him guilty of collusion,

To his puzzled confusion!

The Judge sent him to Puerto Rico for his sentence,

And due to his lack of any sort of repentance.

Welcome equality! Bring us your immigrants,

Female, Male, Black, Brown, and even Whites

Because in USville we welcome transplants!

And of course we believe in equal rights!

*This poem is adapted from “The Grinch Who Stole Christmas”.

Matt Cost

Written by

Matt Cost

Matt Cost is a writer with several published books who is now writing a historical novel on Fidel Castro and the Cuban Revolution.

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