It’s 1:23 AM and you hear noises downstairs. A window breaks. Someone’s inside your house. What do you do? It’s important to remain calm and remember your training.

The most important thing to have is a plan, and you already have that. Good planning can prevent a tragedy and keep your family safe during the worst of circumstances. Once an intruder is inside, be quiet and listen. How many are there? Are they plundering the house? Or is this a home invasion, in which case they will hold your family hostage and try to extract information, bank account numbers, wire transfer routing numbers, account passwords, etc. It’s important to take a moment and visualize yourself overcoming this situation. Positivity is the key. That and biofeedback.

Remember to wait for the motion sensor in the living room to set off the alarm. If it’s a team of burglars who’ve cut the phone line and the power, keep in mind that’s why you paid all that extra money for a cellular connection. Stay calm, trust your instincts, an wait for your muscle memory to kick in. Then lead your family to the safe room you installed in the hall closet last year and wait for the police to arrive.

If there are highly trained jewel thieves with a portable, uninterruptible power array capable of emitting a micro EMP that disrupts the cellular connection and shuts down power to the alarm and most of the block, focus on your root chakra and quiet your mind. Remember the aluminum fire escape ladder that you put in Ashton’s room. Roll it out the back window and climb down to safety.

If you wake up and the house is surrounded by Russian Spetsnaz forces and they’ve booby trapped the front door with portable C4 charges while they wait for the order to enter your home, stay with your house partner. If you become lost or disoriented due to stress, your partner can help you with breath coaching and concentrating on a pleasing image to get your heart rate down. Don’t forget the collapsable helium baloon in the attic. Push away one of the fake roof panels and ascend into the night sky.

If a group of velociraptors develop the ability to unfasten themselves from time and materialize in your bedroom, find a calming phrase to repeat as you remove your healing stones and place them over your third eye. Also, don’t forget about the hidden metal shark cage that you had installed over everyone’s bed behind the break away ceiling. Insert your command key in the panel on your night table and have Judy turn her key simultaneously as you turn yours.

If a group of genetically modified Gregor Mendel cyborg clones from an alternate dimension emerge from the shadows in your darkened living room, concentrate on your dharma, squeeze your yoni and pretend to be wounded as a distraction while Ashton slits their throats from behind and Judy stabs them in the spine with a uranium depleted knife.

You have covered every possible contingency, so you should remain confident in the knowledge that your family is safe and prepared for nearly anything. There’s bottled water and electrolyte tablets in the basement and a collapsable chopper under a tarp on the roof.

Remember basic training in Nicaragua? Ashton developed a blood lust that was nearly unquenchable and Judy had a necklace made of human teeth. Never forget your training. It separates you from the animals and it’s the only thing that will keep you safe and bring you back alive.

So, that’s it. Welcome to the neighborhood. Charlotte over there is teaching everyone how to field strip a humvee next Tuesday. You’ve been added to the community listserve and there are some monthly calendars over by the punch and cookies.