Bernie Sanders asks why dead man in broke country figured out free healthcare yet we still can’t

How dare Bernie point out that we can do better.

WASHINGTON — Calling their bombshell report incredibly damning, CNN revealed on Sunday that Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders praised a country for providing free healthcare and education to its people.

“This new evidence proves without a doubt that Bernie Sanders thinks healthcare is a right, not a privilege,” said Anderson Cooper in a breaking news segment, referring to an interview on the show 60 Minutes where Sanders defended his comments praising a country that managed to fuck everything else up but its healthcare.

“Unlike Donald Trump, let’s be clear if you want to go there, I do not think Kim Jong Un is a good friend,” Sanders said. “I don’t trade love letters with a murdering dictator. Vladimir Putin? Not a great friend of mine.”

MSNBC political analyst and unbiased source on Sanders’ campaign, Kris Bathrooms, disagrees, “This reminds me of when the Allies stormed the beaches on D-Day to defeat the Nazis, you know? Just like we fought the Nazis and their evil plans to mass murder millions of Jews, we need to fight Bernie’s evil plans to make doctor checkups affordable. And we do that by putting out as many Republican talking points as possible, no matter how silly and inaccurate they are.”

Bathrooms took a quick puff of the Cuban cigar he illegally imported through Mexico before continuing, saying, “How can we expect Democrats to win an election against Donald Trump without completely believing every redbaiting attack they throw at him? I mean, sure Cuba is ranked as one of the best healthcare providers in the world. Sure they skyrocketed their literacy rate by investing in free education. And sure Bernie literally condemned Fidel Castro as authoritarian in his 60 Minutes interview. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t use overzealous personal attacks and biased headlines to decapitate our only chance at beating Donald Trump! We gotta demand that Bernie wholeheartedly apologize for asking why our country with all its wealth and power can’t do better on healthcare and education than the country we’ve destroyed with five decades of sanctions and coup attempts!”

At press time, CNN confirmed that Sanders had not yet denied his support of Medicare for All nor of the tens of millions of Americans who are dying from lack of healthcare while Cubans go to the doctor free-of-charge.

[If you haven’t guessed it, this was satire.]