Anteater vs. Aardvark: A Duel of the Ages

Have you ever looked at a tangerine and wondered: how is this different from a nectarine? Is there a difference? Do grocery stores emit a hallucinogenic, sense-altering ray that causes customers to observe subtle taste and visual differences in citrus fruits, while they are actually all oranges? That’s how a lot of people feel about anteaters and aardvarks, with their similar body shapes, long snouts, and free-flowing tails. These mammals bear such a close resemblance that they are often misclassified as each other. So I’m here to answer the one question that’s on everyone’s mind: in a one-on-one showdown, who comes out on top?

Anteater Pros

1.Free-Spirited Appearance

When it comes to aesthetic, there are few animals with the fierce independence that anteaters exude. It’s nearly impossible to even describe them in relation to an animal other than an aardvark, so here’s a picture.

They’re lively, adorable animals, who revel in denying bystanders the convenience of comparison with other animals. The best oversimplification you could manage without crossing the threshold of inaccuracy is calling them ferrets with enormous torsos.

2.Great at Eating Ants

It’s all in the name. If this were a battle between a colony of ants and an anteater, the victor would be clear. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. Even so, it would be an injustice to not at least mention that anteaters are impeccable at locating, obtaining, and eating ants and termites. Ant-covered aardvarks beware.

3.Huge Tongue

When it comes to tongue length, the aardvark can’t even step to the anteater. Clocking in at a maximum of two feet in length, the tongue of the anteater is foundational in shaping its God-given ability to eat ants.

But, who’s to say this skill can’t be applied in other combative contexts? If the anteater found itself in a situation where ranged attacks are key, then the ability to whip a tongue around a key would be enormously helpful.

4.Sharp Claws

When a long tongue isn’t enough to stick it to the aardvarks, claws come in handy. Anteaters are known for vicious, sharp claws that — when cornered or feeling threatened — activate in self-defense.

Anteater Cons

1.Lovers, Not Fighters

Anteaters are known for their generally docile personalities. In fact, many regard them as adorable, playful creatures. There are several viral videos that paint them as an adorable alternative to standard mammal pets, like cats and dogs, in the same vein as the coveted teacup pig.

This does not translate to success in the ring.

2.No Teeth

They may be great at eating ants in a survivalist context, but in a confrontational situation, the anteater’s mouth is pretty much defunct. Without teeth, the snout is more of a texturous trunk than a weapon. This is a pretty significant detriment to an otherwise formidable animal.

3.Needs Glasses To See

Poor vision and combat don’t mix well. Even without constant motion, it seems unlikely that an anteater could keep glasses on its face. While human faces range from round to square, anteater faces are all pretty much the same — long. Unless they sported dad-style neckband glasses, anteaters are at a pretty big disadvantage during the fight.

4.Hearing Impaired

Sensory issues don’t end with vision. While the initial pleasantry exchange will be brief, issuing (and responding to) battle cries is key. Without the tools to do this, the anteater loses out on a huge part of the experience.

Aardvark Pros

1.Spoon-Shaped Claws

No, the value in this is not that aardvarks would always be able to eat ice cream without a constantly grimy and unkempt appearance. That would be pretty sweet, though. The utensil-shaped claws are literal home wreckers; each powerful stroke of fury is as catastrophic as the Big Bad Wolf huffing, and puffing, and blowing the little pigs’ houses down. These claws are sure to be a major advantage in the great war to come.

2.They Demolish Termites

But if you’re reading and understanding the argumentative logic presented in this article, then it’s unlikely that this poses any danger to you. Nonetheless, aardvarks are known for their ability and propensity to consume 50,000 termites on any given night. After destroying the anthills, aardvarks quickly and lethally use their long, sticky tongues to trap as many termites (or other insects) as possible.

3.Aardvark pro: Nearly Double the Mass

Mother Nature does not govern its battles with the same weight classes that regulate wrestling competitions. With more mass, aardvarks can build a stronger momentum than anteaters. Putting aside individual endurance and resilience, lighter animals are also more likely to be defeated earlier on in the battle.

4.Cement Teeth

You know what they say: never bring a knife to a gunfight. But, if you’re an aardvark, you should absolutely bring teeth to a tongue fight. Where anteaters lack teeth altogether, aardvarks double down by trading in the standard enamel material for a sturdier and more destructive cement texture. Take caution, anteaters.

Aardvark Cons

1.Victims of Climate Change

If you like anteaters, then it’s time to write your local congressman. The drought in Africa, the aardvark’s primary domain, has become noticeably worse. This has resulted in the loss of habitable territory. Soon enough, the aardvark reserves might be depleted.

2.They’re Omnivores

Lions, and tigers, and bears, oh my!

Everyone knows that all ferocious creatures are carnivores. They have sharper teeth, shorter tempers, and a bloodlust that lettuce-eating turtles can’t rival. If aardvarks want to pose a threat, they need to start pushing a full-on keto diet, pronto.

3.Translates to “Earth Pig”

Aardvark literally translates to“earth pig” in South African, and that’s pretty lame. It had the potential to be something really sick, like “termite demon” or “snout barbarian”, and it sort of just falls flat. There aren’t even any tagline opportunities.

4.Vulnerable to Gunfire

I’ve neither seen nor heard of an anteater with a gun before. But with black market gun dealers seemingly at every corner, it’s a potential disaster. With only one or two well-placed shots, the hypothetically armed anteater could decimate an unarmored aardvark.

Final Verdict:

I’ll be honest, I had every intention of awarding the win to the anteater purely out of personal bias. They look much cooler, play well with humans, and are pleasantly absent from cliched educational programs.

But after reviewing the evidence, the aardvark would unquestionably annihilate the anteater. Putting sheer size aside, aardvarks actually have teeth. Throw in the superior slashing abilities, and they’re the clear victor in this mammal face-off. You would be hard pressed to find an anteater that could take on an aardvark.

But, neither of them are a match for my physically capable and battle-ready friend Alexander Gibbons. At an estimated 180 pounds of pure, unadulterated bulk, Gibbons could utterly destroy either (or both) of these contenders. With or without weapons, he’ll walk away with an unequivocal victory.

No aardvarks or anteaters were harmed in the writing of this article.