Every Where Is Some Where

I think you were very much on point. I’ve found though, that for me personally, life is not about choices. It’s about consequences. I can choose to be different or think different or even choose the opposite of what I’d normally choose but it is the consequences that affect my life most. So then is life really what I can I do or is it what I can handle? A spectrum of vulnerability if you will.

When my brother hears the song “Blood in the cut” he always thinks of 6 months ago where I was cutting myself with almost reckless abandon. It was me, doing this to myself. For my sins. But it was so much more than that. It was a life complicated by parents, friends or lack of friends, family, work, values, hopes, failures, society, reality and a connection or lack of connection to something greater.

I’m on meds now. It took 20 years to finally to get on something I’ve spent my whole adult life struggling with: Me. I’ve reached an existential plateau. is my life my own, do I have I have any control over it and more importantly does it even matter? While I am locked in this struggle with understanding life, death and the meaning discerned from their co-existence, I have tried coming to terms with a life of nothingness.

I have always struggled with gender, sexuality, guilt, shame and acceptance. We do not live in a free world. We live in a world that has boundaries, walls and barriers whether they are put there by others or ourselves.

I almost 40 years old. I will be seeing you in Eugene, OR on my 40th birthday. It will be 40 years in this body and I still don’t know who I am.

I have yet to find a meaning for my life and doubt I ever will but what I do know is that life is always better when and there is good music. Maybe life is just a really good song that makes the here and now a brilliant place to be regardless of how you arrived there?

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