My Notes on “The Coaching Habit” — Part 1
My notes on the first three of the seven questions proposed in Michael Bungay Stanier’s book aimed at cultivating effective coaching conversation.
Before We Start
- Throughout these notes I speak of coaches, coachees and of coaching conversations, but the simplicity of the ideas proposed in his book are aimed to elevate casual conversations to ones truly valuable and meaningful to the participants. In these notes feel free to replace “coach” with “manager” or “friend”.
- “The Coaching Habit” by Michael Bungay Stanier provides simple guidelines for coaches to tame their Advice Monster and elevate their coaching conversations to ones that are truly empowering to the coachees.
In this series I want to share my learning process as I internalize the key take-aways of this book.
The Kickstart Question — What is on your mind?
The opening question is really an eye-opener to us coaches. A competitive, target oriented person like myself would have clear goals ahead of them in an organized encounter like coaching, and we might be impatient to get started working towards them.
This question, however, is a reminder that the coaching session is first and foremost about the coachee. Rushing into a coaching session can really break the encounter. See a coaching conversation like something fragile which, through your actions as a coach, could either be conserved or broken to pieces. Think of it like the Humpty Dumpty of situations:
All the King’s horses and all the King’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.
So the opening question is first and foremost a check-in, a handshake if you like, which opens up sharing of basic information between the coach and the coachee that will inform the rest of the conversation.
The Coaching Habit does not restrict the questions to coaching conversations only, but introduces the coaching approach to any conversation.
Challenge
- In your next individual or team meeting, in a formal or informal setup, open up by asking the question What is on your mind? or What is on your mind, today? and remain open to the flow of fresh, raw, unexpected information.
- 📝Note: Be ready to change your plans. In some cases it is the most appropriate thing to do. Keep in mind that changing plans is not a problem, but a blessing as any other activity might give sub-optimal outcomes.
The Awesome Question — And What Else?
Michael Bungay Stanier calls this the AWEsome question. The awesome thing about it, in my opinion, is that it keeps us coaches sitting down and listening a little longer.
As I was practicing using this question in individual or team coaching setups, I was always surprised how repeating this question kept providing new information and insights. At some point, the flow will stop, typically with a satisfying feeling that whatever was inside the coachee’s minds has now been released.
Challenge
- In your next opportunity, try to keep track of how many AWEsome questions you can ask in a conversation. Keep note of the new information.
- 📝Note: Be ready to be overwhelmed with information. At that stage, you have a whole new map in front of you to further explore.
The Focus Question — What is the real challenge here, for you?
When coaching I often find myself at a crossroads between two decisions: should I try to deduct what’s the real problem, or should I see if the coachees can lead me to it?
The common theme in this book is to have the coach listening more than contributing with their own input. “What is the real challenge here, for you?” focuses the conversation onto the concerns hidden deep within the coachee.
Think about a frustrating project, a conversation block you might be facing with some of your colleagues, or a sense of heaviness when dealing with your ways of working…
Stopping the project might be your favourite option, but impossible to take on.
Avoiding collaboration with individuals might be a comfortable reaction, but hard to keep up.
Complaining with your colleagues about the ways of working might come natural, but leading to little solutions.
What is the real challenge, for you on the project, with these individuals, or about the ways of working?
Your focus is now set on the roots of what you expressed before, and you are now one step closer to thinking about a powerful solution.
Challenge
- Avoid giving advice, and instead ask the coachee to guide you towards what they see as the real source of the challenge
- 📝Note: In some cases you might need to use other questions, like the AWEsome question, to unleash more insights in the conversation that will, in turn, clarify more about the real challenges at the base of the pain.
Reflection — Are the coach’s ideas, bad ideas?
At this stage of my reflection I realized two points about the book:
- Michael Bungay Stanier appears to emphasise on coaches adopting listening stance, primarily focused on asking questions and letting coachees talk.
- It also appears that he designed these questions so as to elevate casual conversations to ones in which participants show real empathy between one another, without the need of formal coaching setups.
If the casual conversation is constrained with very strict rules, where (at least) one participant does not allow themselves to contribute with ideas, how can such conversations retain an organic, flexible and natural feel? Are coach’s ideas, bad ideas?
The emphasis in the book is not on excluding anyone’s ideas, but that these ideas do not take the center-stage of the conversation. Order is key.
Listen first.
Listen second.
Listen more.
When ideas run out, if they are still valid, propose your ideas.
