Dear Bill…Please Take Me Back

Via Chicago Tribune

Dear Bill,

I know I haven’t written in a while.

Can I come back?

I called but you haven’t answered. I got a new cell phone when I got to Detroit maybe that’s why I haven’t heard from you in a while. I left my pager number and my home phone. I called the old office a few times to see if there were any messages for me.

I might have written your number down wrong. I write real sloppy sometimes.

I wrote you a couple letters over the summer. Maybe there’s something wrong with the post office.

I know things are busy right now, especially with you and Tom and all. How are things with him? I know he doesn’t have a phone anymore. I sent him a letter and he sent me his book and an autographed picture. I think he thought was a fan. I saw Gronk is staying too. I miss that big guy. I sent him a coloring book last week. I hope he likes it.

I don’t know if you saw Bill things didn’t go well.

They scored a lot of points. My defense wasn’t so good. They couldn’t stop kids at a crosswalk. It was the SuperBowl all over again. God, that still gives me nightmares, except in my nightmares all the players are cheesesteaks.

Matt didn’t play so good. The other Matt didn’t play so good either. It wasn’t a great day for Matts.

Stafford is a lot worse than I thought. I saw Tom all the time and figured coaching quarterbacks isn’t that hard.

I was wrong Bill. I was so wrong. I’m not even sure he can read. It’s like having a particularly dumb traffic cone playing quarterback. It’s like having Gronk with none of the talent. We had to just name all the plays after different dinosaurs to get him to pay attention. I once saw him tie his own shoes together. We turned the lights off for film study and we had to explain to him that he didn’t go blind. Also we have to show cartoons in between plays. He really likes Paw Patrol.

I really want to come back Bill. My wife’s jealous because I talk about you 24/7. But she doesn’t know you like I know you.

I learned morse code. I was thinking about sending you a telegram. I rigged a HAM radio in my basement. I guess RPI was good for something. Maybe I should go back to being an engineer.

Please call me man.

Sincerely yours,

This is Matt

P.S. I can’t get the cameras to work.